I’m A Man Stuck In A Lady’s Body



A wonderful Makcik (Auntie) just gave me tips on how I can make my husband happy and she cheekily said this:

“Wear back your clothes before your ‘civilisation’ (hijrah) *cheeky monkey emoticons*”.

And I replied:

“Hehe. But I used to be a tomboy.”

Yeap, that was me. I never really wore any dresses nor do I have pretty pretty skirts. My normal dressings would be my Bros’ t-shirts and jeans. And during my secondary school days, my favourite attire would be cap, t-shirt and bermudas. And uh-huh, all of them are my Bros’. I still remember my “first date” when I was in sec 2, I wore that and my friend had to put on some make up on me because I refused to wear her dress. Haha. And of cz, that “relationship” did not last that long (really, it was just a month or two.). Plus during that time, I was into breakdancing but I never really had any good guy friends (I was super sarcastic, guys hated me). I was so close to this classmate of mine, people asked if we’re lesbians. At that point of time, my knowledge about Lesbian, Gays, Bisexual and Transexual (LGBT) was very minimal – almost zero.


However so, in primary school, I had a friend who was a tomboy too. And I thought we were similar. To me, we were just more inclined towards guys’ clothing and nothing to do with being a butch (the guy version of lesbian). I didn’t give LGBT much thoughts till I was in pre-university.

**I will be using some of my encounters with bisexuals, lesbians and butches in my writing. So if you’re reading this and feel offended, please forgive me. Of cz I will not expose your names, but just take this as a way in creating a better Ummah, insyaAllah.**

When I was 17, that’s when I was widely exposed to LGBT. Lesbians and bisexuals were everywhere. It was a norm. And what’s worrying, almost 90% of them were Muslims. Even my close friend was a butch. We were so close, people got the idea that we were lesbian couple. She once told me that her weekly Madrasah asked them to write an essay about lesbianism and she scored full marks for that. If she knows being a lesbian is haraam, why did she still become one?

My first experience a girl liking me when I was going 18. While studying, I worked as well and this girl at my workplace, who’s a bisexual, texted me saying she likes me. On new year’s eve, she gave me a love letter asking me for answer. She mentioned in the letter something like “if loving you is a sin, I’m willing to be sinned by God”. I didn’t give her my answer, instead I consulted my mum.

Me: Mama, I learn in my weekly Madrasah that if we hold hands with someone who’s not our muhrim, in the Hereafter, our hands will be struck by lightning. So isn’t it better if I be with a girl, so we can hold hands and not get struck by lightning?

Mama: If you hold hands with a non-muhrim, you get struck by lightning once. If you hold a girl’s hand with the feeling of lust, you’ll  be struck by lightning twice.

Oookaaay. I don’t know whether the punishment that my mum said was true, but I got the direction she was trying to bring me. And yes, for an 18 year old, I was that naive to ask my mum. Haha. And so, I didn’t get together with the girl but I still went out with her like a normal friend. Once she brought me to meet her “family”; her lesbian family. The “family” was complete with “father”, “mother”, “daughters”, “sons”. Again, all of them were Muslims. But there was something about them that was entertaining and kept me wanting to meet them again. No doubt, they were fun people and I was almost going to be a part of the “family”.  Again, they know it’s a sin, why do they still turn into one? 

But… Isn’t this the real meaning of naive? =/

After A levels, I got to know more butches, lesbians and bisexuals when I started working as a camp instructor. Again, almost 90% of them were Muslims. They were all fun people and can take harsh jokes. While my time as a camp instructor, I got into an abusive relationship. I cut my hair super short and wanted to be a butch myself. But I consulted my friends who were butches, and they stopped me. They said the life they’re living are full of dramas and if possible, they want to get out of this complicated cycle.



Then, it got me wondered. Why they stopped me but they can’t tell themselves to stop being whatever they were being then? If they don’t like the life they’re living, then why is it so hard to get out from there? Are they really born to like people of the same gender? Is it really nature or nurture?

When I was in 19, somehow half of my questions were answered. I was already wearing the hijab then, but there was a girl who likes me. We were very close. She’s like a normal Muslim girl who prays regularly, fasts, is generous but she’s a lesbian. I treat her like a sister, but she treated me otherwise. She was really offended when I became cold towards her when she confessed to me. All she ever wanted me to do was to accept her for who she was. But to me that was a huge demand. I finally accepted her for who she was cz I didn’t want to spoil the friendship we had. She shared a lot about herself and said that she first knew about her inclination towards the same gender when she was in K2, 6 years old.

From all these encounters, I’ve gathered that as complicated as it may seem, all these are not nature, it’s nurtured. Look deep inside. What causes you to be a lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender?

I used to ask myself: “Why do I wear guy’s attire? Why I have no tolerance with girls and their dramas? Why am I rough?”The answer is actually simpler than I thought. When I was way way younger, my eldest brother and eldest sister were being sent to Tahfiz at Malaysia. My only buddy was my second brother. And due to financial reasons, we don’t really have much toys to play. So whenever we got the chance to buy toys, my second brother and I will get one toy to play and share. He couldn’t possibly play with Barbie, so we had to opt for Hot Wheels. And when my second brother was sent to Tahfiz together with my other siblings, I was alone. At 9 years old, I was forced to be independent while my parents were busy with their food stall at Temasek Polytechnic (TP). After school I had to go to TP till my parents finish manning the stall. So tiny me always look for some adventure in that huge school alone. My surroundings and environment made me into the tomboy-ish girl.

Another one of the major reasons is due to a need. The need to be loved. Everyone wants to love and be loved. But sometimes there are certain factors that stopped us from getting the love that we need. Sometimes our physical appearance hinders us from attracting the opposite attention. But how??? We are still human! We need to feel loved! Well, that’s when we start resorting to turning our nature self. The devil’s whispers win over you and you start to believe that you’re actually born that way. Need is such a strong factor, that’s why a person who is in dire need for money will tend to steal. If your need for Allah SWT is strong, then you will find all ways to get closer to Him.

And this reason is especially applicable to bisexuals. When you realised the opposite gender is a jerk! That was what happened to me when I wanted to be a butch. Well, this phenomenon is very worrying yet people aren’t realising how much damage one is doing on oneself. One of my bisexual friends told me she got together with a girl because her previous boyfriend cheated on her and left her after she gave “everything” to him.  To me, being a bisexual after meeting a jerk is a form of self hatred. You hated the person that was stupid enough to believe everything that the jerk said.

Because they’re boys, not men.


I believe there are many other reasons for someone to turn into a lesbian, gay, bisexual or transsexual. But for sure, whatever Lady Gaga said about being ‘born this way’ is nothing but just propaganda. Do you believe in Lady Gaga or do you believe in Allah SWT more?

I just watched “Kids React to Gay Marriage” on Youtube and it has over 14million views. At such young age they exposed these kids to accept these sinful actions. Of cz they didn’t force the kids to accept but take note of the first reactions of young kids who watched the Gay Marriage videos for the first time. The older kids said that people are selfish for not letting people the freedom to be with whom they love.

Well of cz others are selfish and these LGBTs are not.

Let’s not even touch on religion.

Aren’t you selfish when your parents painstakingly brought you up and their only wish before they die is for you to continue with the lineage but you decided to stay with the person you love and hence stopping the cycle?

Aren’t you selfish if you decide to go other countries where gay marriage is legalised and leaving your whole family behind?

Aren’t you selfish when your family members being humiliated by others just because you want to pursue your love?

Aren’t you selfish when you adopt a child, and when the child is growing up, he/she didn’t have the love of a mum and dad?

Aren’t you selfish when your adopted child gets verbally bullied for having same sex parents?

Aren’t you selfish when you want everyone to be tolerant with you but you can’t control that inner desire for the betterment of others?


Put others before self. That’s a sign of a generous person. Allah SWT loves those who fight in His paths. If you keep seeking for the truth, insyaAllah truth will appear before you one day. Be a servant of God, not a slave of our own desires.

Truth is, it’s never about you. It’s all about Allah SWT.

However so, we should not judge anyone. We should not hate the sinner, but we should hate the sin. Only Allah SWT has the ability to judge. It is not too late, my dear Brothers and Sisters. Allah SWT will only judge you in the Hereafter. You still have the chance to turn to Him. But you never know if there’s still tomorrow for you yet you know there’s a permanent life after that. Imagine you’re left with just one tiny step into Jannah, but because you fail to control your lustful desires, you fall into Jahannam forever and ever. Na’uzubillah min zalik.



Have you ever wondered why all the bad influences come from the West? What are their motives actually?


8 thoughts on “I’m A Man Stuck In A Lady’s Body

  1. Stranger says:


    I don’t know you personally, neither do I share the same religion or sexual orientation. We live in the 21st century and a country that inculcate racial/religious harmony. However you choose to use religion as a discriminating factor to judge the gay people around you. In our society today, people who practice racial discrimination are generally frowned upon and honestly how is your post different from that? They all boil down to the ideology; discrimination.

    Just think about it, we are not out on the street harming people. All we did is to follow our heart, to love with no discrimination. You can have your own opinion, everyone does. But right here, you didn’t realise that you are writing a post that degenerate all the democracy we have build, criticising these people who could be struggling to gain acceptance when they have done no wrong. It’s because of people like you who abuse the use of media and the power of words to force the defenseless to take their lives. I hope you know that the words you spread can cripple the soul of innocent people who are struggling to lead a normal life.

    People have differences, learn to respect others decision and not to force your opinion on them.

    • nurashikinsalim says:

      Hi there. 🙂

      I appreciate your comments and let’s just have a peaceful discussion yeah?

      Like you say, you’re not sharing the same religion as me. We’re not looking at the same direction, hence it will be difficult for you to see it from my lens and vice versa. But insyaAllah (God willing), maybe you could understand where I’m coming from. 🙂

      Yeap, like you mention again, I’m using religion to “discriminate” these gays. But like I say, we should not hate the sinner but we should hate the sin. I have a lot of friends who are into LGBT but I have never treated them differently from others.

      What differs you and me is that I believe in life after death. In my religion, if I love my fellow brothers and sisters who come from our father, Prophet Adam (peace be upon him), I will try my best to save them from the Hellfire. I’m imperfect myself, but I’ll do whatever I can to help them not come even near to the Hellfire. Cz you know, Hellfire is made up of hot stones and people who are burning, and the only liquid you can consume is the pus of those who are burning. I love my brothers and sisters, I don’t want them to experience all that.

      You may say it’s BS, but we Muslims, even those who are into LGBT, know about this. It’s just that humans tend to forget and it’s okay. I myself sometimes forgot about the Hereafter, but because of these guided people that bring me back to the right track again.

      Islam is a perfect religion and whatever Allah SWT commands or restricts us to do, it’s for the perfection of one’s life. It’s all about living life with a purpose. Knowing that this worldly life is just a test. And this is just one of the many many tests that is presented to strong people. Cz Allah SWT will not test someone beyond his capacity. It’s either you pass the test or you just drown deeper. It’s a choice of cz. The choice you choose comes with responsibility. And you will be accountable for your own actions in the Hereafter.

      True that people have differences, and just like how you’re able to air your thoughts and opinions, you too can’t force your opinion on me. Again I say, I truly love my brothers and sisters. 🙂

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