Assalamualaikum Wr. Wb.
Being a newly wed, I was so afraid of my marriage being ruined due to some actions done by either my spouse or myself. Before I even got married, I’ve got some ladies who came to me sharing their problems with hope that I could give them the best advise or just a listening ear. No doubt, some I thought was just nitty gritty stuff which shouldn’t even be a problem but now that I’m married myself, I can somehow understand how these ladies are feeling. Alhamdulillah I’ve got such a loving, understanding and responsible husband, who knows how to handle a marriage well.
I thought of writing “Ways To Make Your Spouse Happy”, but I guess I’ll put that aside for later. Furthermore, there are a lot of posts on that topic that can be found everywhere on the net. So yeah! Please be conscious of how you treat your spouse because even a small but continuous act of mistreating your spouse can lead to as extreme as a divorce. And InsyaAllah I’ll tag a quick fix on these possible challenges.
1. Holding back secrets from your spouse.
I don’t get how people can keep secrets from their spouses without feeling any guilt. I’ve seen a husband deleting and blocking his wife from FB and Instagram just so he could add hot chicks on FB/Instagram without getting caught. He get caught in the end by his wife and he said “they are just my friends”. Another instance would be, you contacting your ex or the person you used to date without the knowledge of your spouse. Anything, any form of hiding information from your spouse, you are keeping secrets.
Fix it! Why would you need to be in contact with your past unnecessarily? Isn’t your present and future more worthy of your time and attention? And why would you want to go after someone who’s not within your reach? The person who you chose to get married to is already there, right in front of you, hungry for your love and attention. Go to that person! Control your nafs (inner desire) and control your gaze. Your spouse is there as your diary cz he/she is your closest companion. Trust me, if you’re not having a good night sleep, most prolly you’re keeping secrets from the person who’s sleeping right beside you.
2. Fail to balance work/friends/mum with your spouse.
In Islam, when the lady got married to the guy, her husband is responsible over her… at the same time being responsible over his mum too. However, there are instances whereby the guy just doesn’t know how to balance the two! It’s either more attention for his mum, or his spouse. Okay, but now I’m talking about the guy giving more attention to his mum because he believes “heaven lies underneath mum’s feet”. That’s a fabricated hadith btw, but there’s a similar hadith to that except that it’s within a context. And bcz the guy holds on firmly to that belief, he began to be one sided and treat his wife less. Same goes to a wife who dedicates too much time with work and friends till she forgot that she has a husband at home.
Fix it! I know it’s hard BUT LEARN TO BALANCE. This requires conscious effort from both parties. Guys, remember. When a lady gets married to you, she literally leaves everything behind for you. She may still have her parents to talk to, but after marriage, she wants to talk/rant to you!
“Among the Muslims the most perfect, as regards his faith, is the one whose character is excellent, and the best among you are those who treat their wives well.” [Al-Tirmidhi]
3. Ranting personal problems on social media or to mum.
I’ve seen this like a looooot of timeeesss… Ladies especially. I don’t know what satisfaction one can receive from saying bad things about your spouse on social media. You want your friends and the whole world to know what kind of an idiot you’re married to? And for guys, as mentioned on the point above, when they tend to give more attention to their mum, they tend to expose their marriage problems to her. What’s the consequences of that? Your wife will be looked upon as someone who is incompetent of taking care of her son and your wife will be the source of hatred in the new family she just entered.
Fix it! Social media is not and should never be the place for you to expose your personal problems. And never never never expose your marriage problems to your mum (that may cause hatred). COMMUNICATE! A big word with huge meaning that can save your marriage from any danger. You may not be the communicating type of person, but I’m sorry buddy. Once you stepped into marriage, YOU HAVE TO. You’re married to another human, not to yourself.
4. Calling your spouse names or make your spouse feels unworthy.
Oh my. Please. I heard of wives being called disobedient just because she tried to air her disagreement over certain matters. And again on social media I’ve seen wives calling her husband by inappropriate names just because he acts like one(LOL).
Fix it! I know women tend to nag when they wanna air their disagreement, but ladies, let’s do it in a manner that it’s straightforward and not hurtful. Guys, know that there won’t be any noise coming from us women if everything is going all well. Again, COMMUNICATE! Of cz, in a gracious manner and please, come to a conclusion. Some people may conclude by saying the other party is wrong, but it’s best if you could give a conclusion whereby it is for the betterment for the marriage. Give and take.
5. Throwing tantrum over small matters.
Oh my… Someone gonna get real hurt – emotionally or/and physically. Especially those who are hot headed and always feel he/she is right. For example just because you misplaced something, you blamed it on your spouse and when your spouse didn’t admit (cz it’s not his/her fault), you began to throw tantrum. And just because your spouse said something that you might not agree with, you began to shout at his/her face.
Fix it! Changing your habit is not easy and will never be easy. It’s a huge challenge for yourself. Take huge breathes, slowly inhaling and exhaling. Do not speak a word. Think of the consequences before acting. Think again if your actions gonna hurt anyone. Then act. Remember that words you say, you can never take it back. It’s easy to forgive, but it’s not easy to forget.
“A man said to the Prophet, ‘Give me advice.’ The Prophet, peace be upon him, said, ‘Do not get angry.’ The man asked repeatedly and the Prophet answered each time, ‘Do not get angry.’” [Sahih Bukhari & Muslim]
6. Sleep with your electronic device, wake up with your electronic device.
I would want to give a big sigh on this. To those who are guilty, please marry your electronic devices instead. I’ve got ladies complaining to me that their husbands will be on their phones/PC and will ask them to sleep first. I just don’t get it how people have the heart to that to their spouses. For me, I really value that few minutes with my husband before sleep. We will just talk about each other’s day and really, I can’t imagine not receiving a goodnight kiss from my husband! It’s a small gesture but with big impact that can go a looooooong way. Oh yeah, and this. When waking up, the first thing you see is… (no prize for guessing it right) YEAP! Your phone. Whatever happened to saying “Good morning, dear” and a peck on your spouse’s forehead? Is your electronic device more worthy of your attention than your spouse?
Fix it! I know. I know. It’s hard to control that bad habit. But why do we allow electronic devices to take control of our lives? FYI, just in care if you’ve forgotten, those electronic devices are non-living things. You control them. Look at your wife’s face instead of some girls’ face on instagram. Touch and caress your wife instead of that mouse and keyboard. Control. Control. Control.
7. Talking bout other guys/ladies.
“David Beckham!” “Megan Fox!” “Brad Pitt!” “Katy Perry!” Ahhh… I don’t know any latest Hollywood stars. I can only afford to name all those. Lol. So yeah, you get my point. I’ve also seen ladies putting their phone’s lock screen of their favourite guy artist. Seriously? You’ve committed two grave mistakes here. One, you’ve certainly not lowered your gaze. Two, don’t forget there’s a real person beside you who’s feeling hurtful with what you did.
Fix it! What happiness can you get from idolizing these people? Superficial happiness that is. The only thing you’ll get from idolizing them is anger from Allah SWT, disappointment from your spouse, and a very unhappy marriage life. The only person you need to impress is the person who’s sleeping beside you. Touch him/her, yeap, he/she is real. Go on… Touch the person you idolize on your phone, now press your lock button, THE PERSON IS GONE. Welcome to reality.
8. Comparing your spouse with someone else’s spouse.
Another huge sigh. I do not have to explain on this, it’s self-explanatory.
Fix it! It might seem inevitable not to compare what your spouse has done for you with what other people did for their spouse. Fact is, every marriage is different and has their own challenges and this is yours. Instead of comparing your spouse with other people, why not give him/her good advice and feedback so that he/she can improve in the marriage? Trust me, the more you compare, the more worse your spouse will be. Your spouse is one of a kind, accept his/her strengths and also weaknesses; accept each other’s differences.
“A believer must not hate a believing woman; if he dislikes one of her characteristics he will be pleased with another.” (Sahih Muslim)
There are many other factors that can ruin a marriage. I can only think of these for now. Do comment if you have any inputs!
Remember, the man should take charge in the family. He directs the way. A woman can do 101 things for the marriage, but in the end it’s the man who should take lead. Cz if you’re not reacting to what your wife has done for you, then really, it’s such a pity. Woman on the other hand, should be understanding and not be too emotional when your husband acknowledge the wrong you’re doing. Never bad mouth your husband to anyone.
All in all, your spouse is a reflection of you. I always believe that if he/she is doing great in the marriage, it’s bcz his/her spouse is doing great too for the marriage and vice versa.
Finally, before I end, this is just snippets of the last sermon of our Beloved Prophet Muhammad SAW:
“O People, it is true that you have certain rights with regards to your women,but they also have rights over you. Remember that you have taken them as your wives only under Allah’s trust and with His permission. If they abide by your right then to them belongs the right to be fed and clothed in kindness. Do treat your women well and be kind to them for they are your partners and committed helpers. And it is your right that they do not make friends with any one of whom you do not approve, as well as never to be unchaste.”