“I’m not a virgin. What will happen to me?”

Bismillaahirrahmaanirraheem…

Assalamualaikum Wr. Wb.

I’ve been wanting to write on this sensitive topic – virginity – because I feel that this is a very relevant and important topic to touch on in this day and age. And what’s more alarming is that, it doesn’t only happen towards non-Muslims. In fact, in Singapore itself, there are quite a handful of Muslims who are involved in this sexual act – either voluntarily or non-voluntarily. Although I may not be an expert in this field, based on the number of people whom I’ve met, talked and observed, InsyaAllah it will be sufficient enough for me to touch on several factors surrounding the topic of virginity.

I’ve seen non-profit organisations which try to approach women who were raped so they could counsel and give emotional support to them. If you were to ask me is it necessary? I would say, maybe not. Yes, these organisations could provide counselling to them and make them feel better. They could also empower these women by whatever services that they can provide. However, to what extent and how sustainable it is?

PS: Only continue reading this if you truly believe in the existence of Allah SWT.

“I’m not a virgin. What will happen to me?”

There are many repercussions when someone loses her virginity. And insyaAllah I will layout each scenario that I’ve encountered with.

1. Turning Into a Lesbian/Bisexual/Gay.

I’m reminded of a conversation I had years ago with a friend of mine. I had a bad habit of cutting my hair whenever I was stress. Yeap, even during exams period I will just get hold of a scissors and snip off few inches of hair. At that point when the conversation happened, my hair was super short due to a failed relationship and that friend of mine whom I conversed with, was a bisexual and had a girlfriend.

Her: Eh, why you cut your hair till very short?

Me: Stress la. I don’t want to attract anyone any more.

Her: Relax la. At least you’re still okay. I even worse. I broke my virginity with my ex and he left me. That’s why now I became like this (a bisexual).

This is a very common sight and I’ve met many who chose to go for the same gender because they are sick and tired of getting hurt by the opposite gender.

2. Dedicate Their Lives on Working & Travelling

I wouldn’t say that this is a bad thing. Of cz it’s normal for someone to be afraid of being in a relationship after that traumatic event. However so, these are temporary solutions. She may keep herself occupied all day long, but once she’s back home and tries to sleep? Depression comes back. Plus, a lady travelling alone without her mahram may fall under the hukum of haram.

3. Sleeps Around More

Those ladies who feel like they are left with not even a bit of dignity might be prone to this. I’ve known of someone whom had one night stand with a few men (on different occasions) after her boyfriend left her. She felt worthless and had the mindset, “since I’m not a virgin and have already loss my dignity, I’m dirty. No good man will ever want me.”. This is the attitude of someone who has given up with her life. Thinking that her sins are too huge for Allah SWT to forgive.

4. Find a Boyfriend Who Can Accept Her

Some are traumatised by what has happened to her. Some couldn’t live without someone by her side. To me, this is more of a test to see if she is still worthy of being loved by someone despite the broken state she’s in.

5. Marrying that Irresponsible Man 

I’m referring to those who got pregnant by their boyfriends. This is a very very very common solution and an easiest way out for Muslim families. Especially Malay Muslim families in Singapore. They do not think of the consequences after marriage. The only thing they are afraid of is “What will people say?! I’ve got a reputation to uphold!”. It’s all about their self-respect, pride and face. In our society, a “spoilt” child would automatically mean poor upbringing.

We need to eradicate this “self-respect, pride and face” aspect from our lives. It can be a positive thing but may also bring great damage. Just because of shame, you marry your daughter to that irresponsible man who did irresponsible acts towards your daughter. Just because of shame, instead of solving the problem, you are creating more problems not only for your daughter but also her child.  People need to realise that maturity doesn’t happen in a blink of an eye. The irresponsible man won’t just change to be a mature man right after the akad nikah. In fact, he may even change for the worse after marriage. If he can sleep around with your daughter before marriage, what makes you think he won’t fool around with other girls after his marriage with your daughter? Of cz this is just an assumption, but I’m just stating the possibilities. At the end of the day, it will only contribute to the divorce rate and you’ll incur more shame.

I’m sure there are more repercussions but these are the ones that I can think of now.

So, what is the permanent solution to this? Allow me to share a story of someone whom I know dearly. Due to the sensitive nature of this topic, I’ll keep her identity anonymous. Let’s call her K.

Just like any other girl with the desire of having a boyfriend, K had one who left the darkest mark in her life. K was physically and mentally abused, and raped repeatedly by her ex boyfriend yet she didn’t go for any counselling with a professional. K did confide to her friends whom she trusted, but she didn’t expect any advise from them. Someone actually told her to lodge a report at the police station but she refused because she felt that nothing could change the state she’s in now and a police report would only mean that her whole family would know about what happened to her. Yes, K’s ex boyfriend might be put behind bars but just think about it. The guy may go around fooling with other girls, but it’s because the girls agreed to bring herself forward to him.

Many may not agree with me. “So you mean it’s the girl’s fault for accepting him as a boyfriend? She was raped! She didn’t do it on her own accord!”. For a moment, let’s take our Islamic intellectual ability to a higher level.

“And do not come near to adultery, it is a shameful deed and an evil, and opening the road to other evils.” [al-Isra:32]

Allah SWT has specifically mentioned in the Qur’an not to come near to adultery (zina). It does not only mean to get into a relationship with someone. “Do not come near to zina” would also include the way someone dresses. A lady may be fully covered but because of her outgoing personality of being too friendly with men, may also lead her to be a victim of rape. In this case, K has never been seen in singlet nor shorts yet she was seen as vulnerable to her ex boyfriend.

Don’t get  me wrong, I’m not putting the blame entirely on the lady but we have to acknowledge that in a way or another, we ladies do trigger the sexual desire of the man if we do not follow strictly to the commandments of Allah SWT. And because of that, the consequence is detrimental. Why not we have full faith in the wisdom of our Creator?

The full Ayah: And thus We have made you a medium (just) nation that you may be the bearers of witness to the people and (that) the Messenger may be a bearer of witness to you; and We did not make that which you would have to be the qiblah but that We might distinguish him who follows the Messenger from him who turns back upon his heels, and this was surely hard except for those whom Allah has guided aright; and Allah was not going to make your faith to be fruitless; most surely Allah is Affectionate, Merciful to the people. [al-Baqarah:143]

Of cz, if someone was raped even after abiding all of Allah SWT’s commandments, then we may put the blame entirely on the man. Then in this case, in my opinion, we can start talking about putting this man behind bars. But insyaAllah if we submit ourselves as servant of Allah SWT, al-Maani’ (The Preventer of Harm) will protect us from any kind of harm. And for the record, K admitted that although what happened to her wasn’t based on her own will, she was guilty because she got herself involved in a haraam relationship in the first place.

However, just like one of the repercussions mentioned above, K still went into a relationship with several other men that could accept her. Although all those men that she went into a relationship with after that treated her good, she still felt empty inside. Despite all the love that was showered to her, it wasn’t enough to make her forget her traumatising past. Having said that, there’s one thing for sure about K, she always tried her best not to leave any prayers. She started to get herself closer to Allah SWT by doing extra prayers during the last third of the night.

The Prophet (sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam) said: “The Lord descends every night to the lowest heaven when one-third of the night remains and says: ‘Who will call upon Me, that I may answer Him? Who will ask of Me, that I may give him? Who will seek My forgiveness, that I may forgive him?’[Sahih Al-Bukhari and Muslim]

I feel that this is the greatest gift that Allah SWT has bestowed upon us. Firstly, Allah SWT personally descends every.single.night. to the lowest heaven to listen to us. Secondly, He will personally answer those who call upon Him. Thirdly, He will personally give to those ask of Him. Lastly, He will forgive anyone who seeks for His forgiveness. Just in one night, you can get everything in this world and in the Hereafter. SubhanAllah! How merciful our Creator is? He knows best His creations. He knows we will break and fall apart, and He gives us the perfect solution so that we will be able to pick ourself up again and come back even stronger. I’ve heard of various miraculous stories by a lot of sisters just by doing constant tahajjud. If you’ve read my past posts, I myself vouch on the greatness of tahajjud.

Due to the constant tahajjud which K did, she finally got hold of her emotions and managed to heal the pain caused by her traumatising past. K realised that no human’s love could fix her severely broken heart except with the love of the One who creates her. K also realised that by seeking for sincere forgiveness from al-Ghafur (The Forgiver and Hider of Faults), she knows no sin is too huge for Him to forgive except for the sin of associating partners with Him. All those voices in her head saying that “I’m dirty” and “my sins are too huge for Allah to forgive” aren’t hers; it’s the syaitan’s.

Alhamdulillah K is now married blissfully with her husband being by her side and Allah SWT and Rasulullah SAW in her heart. Let’s all make do’a for her. 🙂

Realising our own mistakes is really a difficult thing to do. It’s convenient for us to put the blame on others while in fact, we are partly at fault too. Remember that doesn’t matter if you commit a sexual act voluntarily or non-voluntarily, you should repent right away. If you bore a child from your sexual activity, the best you can do for your child is to find a responsible father. And for you to find a responsible father for your child is to ask Allah SWT from your tahajjud, and Allah SWT will personally decide for you the best husband and the best father for your child.

The same solution goes to guys whom have loss their virginity.

Know that if you’re experiencing lots of hardships in your life, it’s a sign that Allah SWT wants you to come back to Him. However if you wish to keep blaming the people around you, then you will never realise that Allah SWT is actually calling out for you and you’ll never improve. Whenever you feel far from Allah SWT, come back and keep making efforts to come back to Him. Whenever in doubt, remember K. InsyaAllah she will be able to make you remember Allah SWT again. And the best thing you could do for the person whom have “sinned” towards you, is to make doa for that person and may Allah SWT grant him/her Hidayah.

I know this is a sensitive topic. And if any of you do not agree with me when I say both the victim and rapist are at fault, then I guess you’ve not received the intended message. However if the rapist is a serial rapist or your dad, then please report.

WallahuAlam.

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3 thoughts on ““I’m not a virgin. What will happen to me?”

  1. Faizah Zakaria says:

    Dear sister Nurashikin,

    Thank you for your reflection. I understand that the main message is that in times of trouble, one should never be scared to return to Allah, which is very true in and of itself. However, losing one’s virginity through consensual sex and losing it through rape are two separate issues that should not be conflated, which is one you have done here. Suggesting that the victim don’t report her boyfriend for rape because its partly her fault is like saying we shouldn’t report a theft because we left our bags unattended. Consensual sex is a sin, rape is a crime that is as much about power as it is about desire. As such, it should be dealt with through institutional not just divine support (and yes, I believe rape crisis centers are necessary). The application of verse al-Isra: 32 here is wrong; that verse is a call for chaste behavior. It shouldn’t be extrapolated into a call to blame women for the own rapes and not seek justice for it.

    Where in this post did I see a recommendation not to seek justice for rape?
    (a) The story of K who didn’t report and is held up as a moral standard to follow is indirectly recommending not reporting.
    (b) This line:: “Of cz, if someone was raped even after abiding all of Allah Swt’s commandments, then we may put the blame entirely on the man. Then, in this case, in my opinion, we can start TALKING about putting the man behind bars.” (Emphasis mine). This is saying that punishment is conditional and depends on the victim, not on the perpetrator. And even then, this line mentions just “talking” about it.
    (c) The conclusion. “If its a serial rapist or your father, please report.” Doesn’t it imply anyone else shouldn’t be reported? It should be unequivocal: all rapists should be reported.

    I understand from this line, “if any of you do not agree with me when I say both the victim and rapist are at fault, then I guess you’ve not received the intended message” that you think the issue of blame is tangential to your main message. If that is the case, then why is your post sprinkled with lines about victim-blaming like the examples I have cited above? By structuring your argument in this manner, unintended or not, you seem to be advocating self-blame and repentance in cases of both rape and voluntary loss of virginity when these are two completely different circumstances Imagine a rape victim reading this post. Instead of feeling inspired to turn to Allah, which is your main message, it is quite possible that at least some would be turned off by this false equivalence and lack of compassion for their plight instead.

    Again, I would like to say that I am not against your general theme. The message of Allah’s forgiveness and the benefits of tahajjud, these are wonderful things to reflect and share about. May I respectfully suggest that you separate the issue of rape and that of consensual non-marital sex because they really have very little in common except that one could lose one’s virginity through either activity. Rape is a serious crime that deserves deeper thought than the parameters of your argument allow.

    • nurashikinsalim says:

      Assalamualaikum Sister Faizah.

      Thank you for your thoughts on this post. I really appreciate it. I agree with you that “consensual sex and losing it through rape are two separate issues” whereby the latter will leave psychological scar on the victim. Yes, K decided not to report her boyfriend cz she didn’t want anybody else (especially her family) to be involved in this cz it will only bring great chaos. K knew that she’s strong enough to let go of her dark past with Allah SWT by her side.

      To compare this with “we shouldn’t report a theft because we left our bags unattended” is totally degrading the intensity of this scenario. Yes, I don’t deny that rape is a crime however so, I’m looking at it from a different perspective. Imagine your boyfriend brought you to a dark place, you complied but you didn’t know that he’s gonna rape you! The moment you agreed to follow him, verse al-Isra:32 is the most applicable.

      I’m not stopping anyone from reporting their boyfriends whom have raped them. But trust me, most of them whom do not report their boyfriend because they knew they were at fault too. Nonetheless, if she wants to report and seek justice for it, then go ahead.

      In part (b), I do agree “punishment is conditional and depends on the victim.” Like I’ve mentioned above, the girl agreed to follow her boyfriend to a dark place. So once the rape happened to her, she might give a second thought on whether she should make a report cz she complied in the first place! And you may ask any Muslims if they heard of this before “when a guy and a girl are alone, the third person is syaitan”. And dear, I bet you understand when I say “we can start TALKING about putting the man behind bars.”. I don’t mean “just “talking” about it.”

      In part (c) however, I don’t only mean serial rapist and father. Serial rapist would mean a criminal (or any strange person) and father would mean anyone who are related to victim (can be her brother, uncle, stepfather, etc). In this case, she totally did not ask for it. It was beyond her control that somebody just attacked her to the side and rape her.

      If you read my post again, I’m actually talking about people whom loss their virginity – voluntarily or non-voluntarily – from a haram relationship. A haram relationship that Allah SWT has warned us from. Hope you understand where I’m coming from. Nonetheless, thank you for this discussion. 🙂

      May Allah SWT always keep us and our generation after us under His protection.

  2. Faizah Zakaria says:

    Waalaikumssalam wr wb. Sister Nurashikin,

    Thank you for your detailed and considered response. You have given me something to think about and as you indicated in your post, the sensitivity of the topic makes it all the more important to discuss. Thank you too for your clarification that your post does not universally advocate for victims of rape not to seek redress.

    On other points, we would have to agree to disagree. I am still not convinced that the post’s undue focus on the culpability of the victim in the case of rape is warranted or justified. My analogy with theft was not meant to denigrate the severity of the act; the main point was to underscore that if even in a lesser crime like theft, one does not blame the victim when he is careless, I don’t see why it should be any different for a serious crime like rape. The culpability for choosing to be in a haraam relationship is in no way comparable to the culpability of the perpetrator of such an act of violence. My concern is that a discourse that emphasizes the shame of the victim as opposed to the shame of the perpetrator will only serve to discourage people from healing through seeking justice. Therefore, perpetuating that kind of thinking, to me, is harmful.

    K’s decision is, of course, entirely hers and I respect that. What I questioned was whether she should be highlighted as example to follow. Indeed, one of the key things that I will be taking away from this discussion is that there is never a blanket one-size-fits-all solution to this type of difficulty. We can only strive towards a compassionate and just Islamic community. Waallahu alam.

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