Hijrah Story #6: I Started Learning to Pray in Polytechnic

Bismillaahirrahmaanirraheem…

Hijrah Story by: Anonymous Sister

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I grew up as bubbly child. I had awesome neighbours who were my sissy’s and my playmates. Childhood was awesome but somehow I knew I was different from the others. I confused dreams and reality and created so many stories with my fingers characters. I loved drawing and daydreaming about how my future house would look like when I became an adult. I cry silently watching a Malay drama about the times during Japanese occupation. And I thought that God doesn’t understand the Malay language. so in my mind I made a conscious effort to speak in Malay so God wouldn’t know my secrets. My parents were busy working and had very little time with us at home.  Sis and I were taken care of by my aunt who had blindness in both eyes. My parents back then weren’t practising Muslims. I vaguely remembered Mama on a prayer mat and reminding me not to walk in front of her. That was the only memory I had of Mama praying, when I was 5.

When I was 11, Mama sent siblings and I to ngaji (reciting the Qur’an with a teacher). Our teacher whom we called Makji asked us a question which I will never forget.. ‘dekat rumah ibu dengan ayah sembahyang tak?'(do your parents pray at home?). Makji liked to show us Indonesian dramas on Thursday nights after our ngaji session. They were stories about how bad people in this world would die gruesome deaths. That was probably my first time feeling fearful about death and afterlife. I really enjoyed my ngaji sessions, but somehow the year after we stopped going for classes. Life resumed at home with no prayers done and fasted occasionally during Ramadhan.

When I started primary school, I remembered feeling afraid of the other students because they were all too loud. I did not know why I abhorred being and talking with the others. I was very very selective with friends. I did not open up and express myself well when I’m outside of home. So I was being labelled as the “quiet shy girl”. I hated going to school.

At the tender age of 8, I played truancy. I would hide myself the whole school day in a toilet cubicle. During my teen years I badly wanted to feel loved by the opposite gender. I had many crushes and did stupid things to get their attention. I also hated my family then because we were always quarrelling at home. I got bullied when in secondary school for some time and that made my self esteem dropped even more. I was a shy kid and I hated that fact. I hated being shy. I hated reading remarks on report cards and seeing the word quiet. To me then my failure and inability to fit in with the rest of my peers made me cold and bitter. I hated seeing fine people say that they’re awkward because they think its cool but actually it’s not. It is a struggle to want to express yourself and at the same time, ever so cautiously and religiously building up walls around so high so as to let no one enters. I couldn’t wait to leave secondary school. I would countdown the days to my final days of school.

When I entered Polytechnic, I decided that I was tired of seeking acceptance from peers and guys. I didn’t want to fit in any more. And by Allah’s Grace and Mercy, I was introduced to the school’s Muslim society. I joined in the freshman orientation camp that they’ve organised and felt great in their company. Throughout my semesters I tried my best in attending talks or events that they’ve organised. I loved their company so much – that was all I know and with that, I learned to love the message that they brought along – our deen; Islam. I learned many things which I never knew and yet I still didn’t know how to pray or make wudhu. The only things that made me Muslim all these years were saying the prayer before eating, fasting during Ramadhan and reciting Surah al-Fatihah and al-Ikhlas before bed. So whenever they had jemaah (congregational) prayers, I would follow the actions of the person next to me. During Ramadhan we had ifthar as a group and even then when we prayed Terawih together, I would still follow the person next to me. I didn’t find it troublesome but I felt ashamed of myself. I wanted to know how and why they were so persistent in praying. I wanted to feel how they felt because I knew somehow they felt peace and that they felt amazing pleasing our Creator. The feeling of hypocrisy started to slowly creep in on me for faking my prayers. So I searched for the green book which had taught many how to pray. I tried my best to hold on to my Salaah but sometimes because of my very weak Iman, I will go weeks without prayers and that made me feel really bad.

Some months before entering year 3 in poly, I knew that I wanted to wear the hijab because I wanted to feel closer to Allah. I was so scared to put on that piece of cloth over my head because I was scared of the reactions of my family, friends and classmates. I was so afraid but I knew in the deepest recesses of my heart that I wanted this and I needed this. In my prostration I would cry my eyeballs out talking to Allah, asking Him to ease my affairs and for Mama to allow me wearing the hijab before her. I didn’t want to humiliate or embarrass her. Mama always thought about what others would say and I didn’t want to hurt her. I made Allah my friend because I know only He can change things. I asked Mama once again for the last time on the day before the start of year 3 for her blessings to cover up and she finally said okay. I was the happiest girl in the world!

After putting on hijab, I faced more trials from Allah than ever before I. I tried my best to fill my days going to Islamic talks, most of which I would go alone. That was that – constant reminders was what I needed. The more I learn, the more I realized that I knew little and that there are so so so many things to understand, and love. Everyday is work in progress. Everyday. I have learnt that the one thing that can change everything is the intention. Allah knows our intentions, sees our struggles, and hear our pleadings and our cries. What I love most about Allah SWT is that even though I have failed him a thousand times and I am full of flaws, yet He is so Kind. Our King is so kind His Mercy always remains no matter. Regardless.

I know my journey just began and I still have so many things to learn but I guess if you seek hard and if you want Allah badly enough, He will always make it easy for you. Hidayah, you have to seek. You need to have the desire to know the truth; your existence, your purpose. If you rely on Him and place your trust in Him, see and know and understand that Allah didn’t even need us in the first place, we are the ones in need of Him. I tasted the sweetness of my faith, and it was the sweetest thing I have ever tasted. I continue to kneel down on the ground and make prostrations. I crave the sweetness and the closeness Allah has borrowed me when I’m with Him. That’s what keeps me going. If you feel that you are not worthy, if you feel that there are too many sins that you’ve done and if you feel that you have been neglecting Him or wasting your time for too long, I guess sometimes you just need to call out the name of your Lover -the One that created you, the blue sky, clouds, trees, moon, your mom and dad. Allah. That is enough. Allah. Thank You. Allah. Allah.

Now Alhamdulillah, with constant du’as , effort made and above everything else, His Guidance He has willed for my family to discover our higher and true purpose – to serve Him. Now we pray fajr together. Mama and my sis have also donned the hijab. Alhamdulillah. Allah SWT works in magical and beautiful ways. There is no might or power except with Allah. Alhamdulillah thumma Alhamdulillah a thousand times over.


 

If you can relate to our Sister’s struggles and wish to create a new sisterhood ukhuwah with her, you can Whatsapp me at +6582981248.

To know why I’m posting other sisters’ Hijrah Story, you can click on this link:

Intro: Learn to Love Again

And to read other Hijrah Stories:

Hijrah Story #1: I was forced into a Tahfiz!

Hijrah Story #2: A Peaceful Vivid Dream

Hijrah Story #3: Exposed to Violence and Sex During Childhood

Hijrah Story #4: I Thought I Was Good Enough

Hijrah Story #5: My Days as a Muslimah Convent Girl


This may be the last Hijrah Story from the Sisters who attended “Learn to Love Again” HTHT session as most of them are quite busy with their commitments. Jazakumullahu khairan! 🙂

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Hijrah Story #5: My Days as a Muslimah Convent Girl

Bismillaahirrahmaanirraheem…

Hijrah Story by: Anonymous Sister

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In my secondary days, I studied in a Roman Catholic School. I wore the hijab to and from school. I have memories of schoolmates talking and laughing with me in school but becoming total strangers once we were out of school compounds.

But with time Allah made the journey easy for me and these same people became close friends. An exceptionally close friend that I had was a Catholic girl.

My friends used to ask me the reason as to why I don the hijab. Initially my reply came with a detailed explanation of how we Muslim women have to guard our chastity as taught to us in the Quran. However, the day came when I no longer had to explain. All I had to do was to point.

You see there was a church, St Anne’s Church right next to my school and everyone morning I went in to change into my convent uniform. In the front portion of the church, there stood a statue of a lady dressed in a long white gown (Abaya I’d like to call it) with a scarf that draped over her hair and shoulder.

Who was this lady? She was none other than Mary, the blessed mother of our prophet Jesus (peace be upon them both). SubhanAllah, there I was standing in a church and yet we both had something in common; our dress code. This had been the conviction that I had been looking for and my love for the hijab deepened.

A year later, my sister joined the same school and her spiritual journey began. With the decree of Allah, the both of us took a brave step and wore our hijab into the school compounds.

Fast forward a couple of months, a junior came up to me and expressed her liking to don the hijab. So with that, began our iconic journey as striving Muslimahs in a convent school.

My journey is not extraordinary but what I do know is that it has made me grow into the person that I am grateful to be today. I love my hijab and it defines who I am!


To know why I’m posting other sisters’ Hijrah Story, you can click on this link:

Intro: Learn to Love Again

And to read other Hijrah Stories:

Hijrah Story #1: I was forced into a Tahfiz!

Hijrah Story #2: A Peaceful Vivid Dream

Hijrah Story #3: Exposed to Violence and Sex During Childhood

Hijrah Story #4: I Thought I Was Good Enough

Zaman Selfie. What’s the big deal?

Bismillaahirrahmaanirraheem…

Assalamualaikum Wr. Wbt. My Dear Brothers and Sisters.

While in a taxi on my way home recently from a farewell gathering for a friend who will be leaving Jordan (and has left), I had a talk with two of my friends. We were talking about social media and why would people want to expose their private lives to everyone, to strangers. I kept quiet for a while and I admitted to them. I was guilty of such acts. I was the kind of girl who’ll instagram a picture of myself looking my best with caption  like “I’m early for school!”. Well, welcome to Zaman Selfie (the Age of Selfie)!

It’s no surprise when the first thing you’ll see once you press on your instagram or facebook apps, you’ll see a picture of either a girl or a guy with caption “but first, let me take a selfie.”. It is too common. Too common till one might not see the detrimental effects that come with it.

Okay, let’s be honest. Why do we take 99 pictures of ourselves just to pick one out of the 99 pictures to post it on instagram? Why?

Self-Worth

We may not realise this but the more likes we have for our photo, the more worthy we’ll feel. Many may not agree, but let’s remind of ourselves the moment one of our photos has the most likes. Now, remember the moment another photo of yours has the least likes. Do you feel unhappy when that happens? I mean like, “my benchmark is 150 likes! And now I’ve got 70 likes only?!”. And then for the future posts, you’ll make sure that your photos are worthy enough to get around 150 likes…or more. Why do we allow the number of likes as a yardstick for how worthy we are??

I posted this on facebook before I even got to know about my husband’s existance. And I feel that selfie or rather the biggest culprit, social network sites, has taken a toll mainly on married couples. But can we really blame social network sites for how we use it?

“I have not left behind me any fitnah more harmful to men than women.” [Bukhari & Muslim]

Fitnah in this sense doesn’t only refer to temptations, but also tests or trials. So in this case, what’s the fuel? Yeap, women.

We, women, are the main cause to what we don’t like our husbands to be seeing. Meaning, we hate it when our husbands look at other women’s photo but at the same time, we ourselves are providing photos for other women’s husband to look at! It’s like our plan of getting “like” for our photo, is backfiring us. We’re creating heartaches for nothing and we all know this is happening now.

But I’m really sorry to those women who didn’t post any photo of her but her husband is still acting that way. May Allah SWT open your husband’s heart to able to see your sacrifices.

I had a talk with a friend a year ago who just got married recently (at that point of time) and what she told me actually saddens me. Her husband is quite pious, he brings her closer to Allah SWT and he even encouraged her to be a hijabi. Alhamdulillah. What saddens me was that the fact that social network sites can really make a marriage falls apart. Well, the problem isn’t really the social network sites (of cz, they’re non-living things), the problem lies on the person who doesn’t know how to control him or herself.

Ok, let’s not go into religion, although Islam do teach us on how to mix with the opposite gender.

Specifically what my friend told me was instagram. Can a wife tolerates if a husband still follows his ex-girlfriends and those he dated before on instagram? Can you imagine while lying down, your husband using his phone and looking at instagram and his timeline is full of those girls camwhoring? What’s worse, instead of spending time with his wife, he chose to spend it on his phone.

So how to prevent this?

Bad habit dies hard. To those who aren’t married yet, prevent it now. Learn self control. You don’t have to entertain everyone. You can choose who want in your life. Before you act, think of the consequences. Especially when it involves the opposite gender, think far ahead. Think of your future spouse. Would you be happy if your spouse knows you were like that? Would you be happy if you know your spouse were like that?

So if you’re not married yet, STOP posting photos of your beautiful face. Cz the more you post, the more your beauty will fade away. Imagine you having a husband in the future, your husband might not even get to feel that beauty which is meant to be his. That’s unfair. Also, you might not be married yet, but there are men in your friend list who are married. Respect their spouse. Respect yourself.

And for married women, I reckon you to also STOP posting photos of yourself. What are you trying to prove by allowing others to look at you? You’re married and your beauty is only for your husband to see! And how many of married women here actually wear make up for only her husband to see? Posting a selfie with full face make up on social network sites just shows that that you want to impress other people than your husband.

Ladies, respect yourself. You’re worth more than those ‘like’s. Keep your beauty hidden and only for that one person who deserves it.

It takes two hands to clap. If you don’t like your husband to be looking at other women, then stop providing photos for other women’s husband to look at. And men, if you don’t want your wife to be looking at other men or you want her to stop taking selfie, then stop looking at other women; online and offline. Once you come to that agreement with your spouse, then insyaAllah you will be the only apple of your spouse’s eyes. Maturity comes from both parties. Don’t look at your spouse’s flaws if you yourself aren’t willing to correct yours. You’re married to your spouse cz you know he or she completes you. Spend more time together. There are many things that you can do as married couple.

Btw, this post isn’t only dedicated to the women. Same goes to the men. You know you’re good looking, have six packs, you can get many likes and you can make the girls go “mmmdappp” with your photos, then STOP providing food for these eyes to see. Lower your gaze and help others to lower their gazes.

Another major reason for us to control ourselves when it comes to social network sites is because of:

Riya’ (Showing off)

“Riya’ involves a level of hypocrisy and is considered to be a minor form of shirk”. [Psychology From The Islamic Perspective]

Riya’ is a minor form of shirk (associating partners with Allah SWT) because it is where you’ll be getting your power from. So in this case, when you take a selfie and you get lots of likes, you’ll feel empowered. And how common do we see this kind of conversation?

Friend: OMG! You’re so gorgeous!

You: Haha. Thank you! But not as gorgeous as you! *wink*

Friend: Haha! Nooo.. You’re more gorgeous!

And it just go on and on and on… You’ll feel even more empowered when someone actually complimented you in the comment box. Doesn’t matter if the commenter is a guy or a girl, you know it will make you feel good. The moment you see yourself more superior than others, then be careful. You may fall under the category of riya’.

Always always always renew your intention. Even when you’re just taking a photo of food. Maybe your intention was just to show people what you’re eating but suddenly you get high number of likes or comments that can make your nafs gets the betterment of you, then delete it to play safe.

*I would like to emphasize that riya’ doesn’t only happen when taking selfies, it can happen just any time. Always pray to Allah SWT to distant us from the evil riya’.

Wallahualam.

Hijrah Story #4: I thought I was good enough

Bismillaahirrahmaanirraheem…

Hijrah Story by: Anonymous Sister

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Bismillahirahmanirahim,

Alhamdulillah, it’s been 2 years plus since I officially donned the hijab. Wearing the hijab was easy for me as my parents will ask me to put it on during Hari Raya. So hijab wasn’t something new to me.

So why didn’t I put it on earlier?

Honestly, I don’t have an answer for that. To me, I was a good person. My definition of good was, not smoking, not drinking, not clubbing and not taking drugs. However, I fail to realise that being good too, means realising that you’re a SERVANT of ALLAH. When I entered secondary school, I had a few friends whom prayed. Paiseh. Because I don’t even know how to pray. So I decided to ask one of them if they could teach me. But all of that was, semangat seminit (motivated for one minute). So when I was fifteen I remembered my brother advised me to start praying, at that point of time, I still have not realise the importance of prayer. I got annoyed, and I said, “Ah, okay.” Astagfirullah. I was truly blinded. My parents, siblings, they all know how to pray. But I never have the urge to know my own religion. I don’t even remember what made me so engrossed with this dunya. It’s not like my parents didn’t sent me to religious class, they did. But I was astray.

So why did I start wearing the hijab?

A year later, Allah gave me hidayah. Syukur Alhamdulillah. It started when I ask myself, “When will I be like them?” [Referring to the sisters who wear the hijab] I then asked one of my seniors whom recently at that point of time has donned the hijab. Alhamdulillah, she was willing to give me advice. I knew hijab is compulsory and at that point of time, my main concern was “What if I took it off?” Alhamdulillah, after the hijab hijrah, I never once feel like taking off my hijab. [Do make dua for me] Hence when you do something for Allah swt, He will definitely test you. Once, one of my classmates asked me, “So, you are officially wearing the hijab?” “Yes” “Oh.. Ikhlas?”. At that point of time, I wasn’t mad, but I was taken aback. Alhamdulillah, that I didn’t throw my D&T book at her. I just replied, “Yes”. But when think about it, “Am I? Am I sincere to put on this hijab?” Alhamdulillah, I am truly grateful that she asked me the question, at least she made me recheck my intention.

; I realised with every comment that people throw at you, is it actually Allah’s way to help us keep our intention firm.

The same year, I was sitting for my ‘N’ level. I remember the day before my mother tongue paper, my dad asked me if I wanted to follow him to my uncles’ place. I rejected his offer because I needed to do my revision. I went all the way to Bugis to study. After asar, I check my phone, and I got A LOT of miss call from my sister. I was annoyed. I thought she wanted to ask me if I wanted to go to my uncles’ place. I didn’t bother to call back. She called me again. I picked up the phone. “Aba kene stroke.” I didn’t know what to do. Alhamdulillah, at that point of time I wasn’t alone, so my friend and I quickly pack up and head to Changi General Hospital. With my clown nose and puffed eyes, I took the train. Fast forward, I got to know that my dad had a mild stroke, hence only half of his body is paralysed. I remember crying my eyes out whenever I did my prayers. I was scared. Alhamdulillah, till now my father is in good health.

; Sometimes the hardship you go through isn’t a punishment from Allah swt, rather it is a way for Him to tell us that He will be here. “With every “Oh Allah”, He replied 100 times “I am here”.”

Sometimes, you get tired and it’s okay. Sometimes, you feel like giving up and it’s okay. Sometimes, you feel like you’re going through it alone and it’s okay. Negativity, it’s okay to have it. But as long as you don’t bury it. Throw it away, pray. Hold onto your prayers. That’s the best way to push away your negativity. Pray although you feel it’s difficult. Like exercising, its tiring right? But if you push yourself to the limits, you’ll get the results. Prayers too, you don’t feel like it’s working, but just keep praying. You’ll get there.

Always remember that Allah swt, is the Most Merciful, the Most Forgiving. I believe that even if you only utter “I want to change” Allah swt will make it easy for you. I believe that Allah swt never wants to send His servant to the path of torment. Keep striving. Allah swt cares for us more than a mother cares for her baby. Every high, there will be low. So every fall is just a lesson for us to love again. To love Him. To check our intention.

I hope you’ve benefited from reading my story, well now it’s your turn!

Before leaving this page, I would like to ask you three questions.

“If you had a chance to give yourself an advice in the past, what would you tell yourself? And if you can change one thing about yourself now, what is it? And lastly, what do you aspire to be in the future?”

Do take time to answer it, maybe you’ll be surprise of the answers that you give.

[Once done, maybe you can paste it on your bedroom wall. Motivation]

Alhamdulillah, that’s all. Do make dua for me, and May Allah swt ease all of your affairs! Thank you for reading.

Asalamu’alaikum


If you read my post on Learn to Love Again, you will be informed that there will be a  Halaqah session this month! The topic would be on ‘Self-esteem’. Do contact me if you wish to be a part of the Halaqah session. 😀

To know why I’m posting other sisters’ Hijrah Story, you can click on this link:

Intro: Learn to Love Again

And to read other Hijrah Stories:

Hijrah Story #1: I was forced into a Tahfiz!

Hijrah Story #2: A Peaceful Vivid Dream

Hijrah Story #3: Exposed to Violence and Sex During Childhood

Hijrah Story #3: Exposed to Violence and Sex during Childhood

Bismillaahirrahmaaniraheem…
Hijrah Story by: Sister Hamidah
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I was brought up in a family where religion is not our main priority. I was not sent to any religious class thus I do not have any knowledge on such a beautiful religion I am in. All I ever felt was restricted for not being able to do many things. I had a bad childhood whereby my father left when I was a 3-4 y/o because he made a Chinese girl who was studying in University, pregnant. After the divorce, my mother brought many of her “boyfriends” back home. Most of them abused us(my younger brother and I) so badly but none of us ever voiced out to our grandparents because we were threatened by our mother. We withstand the torture for years, one after another. At such a young age, I was exposed to so many inappropriate things such as violence and sex which at that point of time of course I could not understand what was going on. I can safely say i have no religion upbringing at all. As I grow, I learnt that fasting during Ramadan is a must and praying is optional( except for my grandmother no one else in the family prays).

When I entered ITE, that’s when I got myself in a relationship for the very first time. He was good-looking with great body, a popular guy in school and a Roman Catholic. I thought I was the luckiest girl ever. I got worse. I don’t fast during the fasting month neither do I pray. I drink, clubbed, the clothes I wear…. Astaghfirullahalazim. My relationship with my family got real bad because I really had a bad temper and I would always prioritized my boyfriend, spending all my money on him. He would brain wash me telling that my family used me for money and he even fought with them calling them names. I did not even stand up for my family instead I supported him because I felt like he was the one who has been there for me. He would tell me how ridiculous Islam is and that I should be baptist. We planned that we would migrate to Canada, get married and start our own family. You see, I don’t solely blame him of what he had made be become. I blame myself the most for letting someone control me.

We were together for 2 years and I would say that it was the most difficult time I have ever face in my life(trust me it was sweet as cotton candy at first). Life gets so hard and meaningless at times. I felt empty even when I’m surrounded with so many friends around me or even when I’m in club with the loud music. Its funny how I get whatever I want like getting to poly and getting to travel across the the world and still not feeling satisfied. Its like I lost a part of me somewhere. I lead a life full of fear. I fear of going to sleep every night because I’m afraid I’d die in my sleep knowing that I have not ask for forgiveness from my family and from Allah especially. I fear of the hereafter because I know where I’d be place. That’s when I started questioning myself. Is this the kind of life I really want? Do I really want to lead a life as a non-muslim? If I die, will Allah the Almighty accept me? If He did, how will I answer for all the sins I have committed. Then I thought of the punishments. The fire…..how terrified I’d be.

Then I made the most painful decision which is to let go of my the man I was with for 2 years. I know if I want to change, that is the first thing I had to let go of. It pains me but I know this is what’s best for me. I know this sacrifice would be worth it. Alhamdulillah I’m so thankful that Allah has blessed me with an amazing niqabi best friend who would go an extra mile for me after knowing that I want to change.

I started wearing the hijab during the eve of Ramadhan. My best friend was the happiest person in the world! Even after I wore the hijab, I fear Allah would not forgive my sins. I’m afraid its just too big to be forgiven. I cried so hard in every prayers asking for forgiveness waking up every night for tahajjud. I seek as much knowledge as I could. I utilized my day researching and reading endless books that I could lay my hands on. That’s when I learnt that a person would feel like Allah will not forgive their sins is when they have lack of faith on Allah and His abilities.

Alhamdulillah Allah has given me endless rezeki and my relationship with my family has improve tremendously. My mother has become more responsible but lets pray for her that she’d be given hidayah to start being a practicing muslim. Though I still have an elder sister who at times I asked Allah to forgive her as she did so many things to my grandmother and I have a brother who’s a gay and does not have faith in Allah, lastly a mother who’s a computer addict, I still feel blessed because they are a form of a test for me. My grandmother has been my best supporter ever since she saw me with a hijab. I’m so thankful that she had sent me to learn to read the Quran during my secondary school days(I used to complain alot because the class is from monday-friday. Took me less than a year to finish it and my grandma was so proud because I’m the first one among my siblings to qatam). It has help me alot during my process of changing. I just cannot imagine myself not being able to read the Quran.

I have heard a lot of people blaming their parents for not educating them religiously and does nothing about it. They simply said they weren’t taught so why should they practice. I hope I am an example of not being brought up religiously but still manage to be a practicing muslim.

Everyone asked me how did I “gained hidayah”. The fact about hidayah is we can’t sit there committing sins and expect hidayah to come. I instill so much fear in myself that I don’t even dare to do it or go near it. How do I instill fear? Simply, the more we know the more we fear. I am still working my way to be a better muslimah. I leave my faith fully on Allah and I believe His plans are way better than my wants. I hope you’d keep me in your prayers.

We all can dwell on our past. I regretted my past so much. But we should also move on. I know no one should ever go through the kind of life I face as a child. How much torment it is to be beaten by a stranger, find ways to get food but I know my child will not go through that phase In shaa Allah. I know now matter what happens, I have nothing else to lose because Allah is sufficient for me.


Sister Hamidah has her own blog too! You can check out her inspiring blog: http://sitihamidahshafari.blogspot.sg

If you read my post on Learn to Love Again, you will be informed that there will be a  Halaqah session this month! The topic would be on ‘Self-esteem’. Do contact me if you wish to be a part of the Halaqah session. 😀

To know why I’m posting other sisters’ Hijrah Story, you can click on this link:

Intro: Learn to Love Again

And to read other Hijrah Stories:

Hijrah Story #1: I was forced into a Tahfiz!

Hijrah Story #2: A Peaceful Vivid Dream

Hijrah Story #2: A Peaceful Vivid Dream

Bismillaahirrahmaanirraheem…

Hijrah Story by: Anonymous SisterIMG-20140831-WA0013


Rabbish-rah li sadri. Wa yassir li amri. Wah-lul ‘uqdatam min lisani,Yafqahu qawli..

Translation: “My Lord, put my heart at peace for me, make my task easy for me, and loose a knot from my tongue so they may understand my speech.” – (Surah Ta’Ha, 20:25-28)

Bismillah. Let me start this by giving thanks to Allah for still allowing me the chance to breathe the air He create, for this heart that is still beating in my chest and for the opportunity to type out this story for all of you to read.

I had the chance to attend the ‘Learn to love again’ session organized by dearest Shikin. Masyaallah, I cannot describe to you how thankful I was to actually be there. It was such a heartfelt session. Really Alhamdulillah to meet such Masyaallah sisters and hearing their Subhanallah stories :’)

What I’m about to share here with you is my hijrah story and I hope that Insyaallah it will be of benefit to all of us.

In the past, I was someone who did not perform my daily prayers. I fast, but I do not pray. I believe that Allah exists, but I’ve never acknowledged Him. I used to think really highly of people who perform their daily prayers without fail. I always have this qn “how do they even make time for the five daily prayers. Got enough time ke?” For me, my excuses for not performing the prayers is that I simply do not have time for it. Astaghfirullah may Allah forgive me for my ignorance.. How arrogant and how dare of me to say that I do not have time for the Owner of Time. Performing your five daily prayers doesn’t make you religious, it makes you a Muslim. It’s what differentiates us and the kafir.

My dear sisters, I am not proud of who I was but I am very thankful that I got that wake up call from Allah before it is all too late. Sometime three years back,during the last few nights of Ramadhan, I had a dream. I dreamt that I was in a Masjid full of people wearing white. I could not see any of their faces but they were all rushing for Solah. I was with a man and yes I could not see his face too. But something about him made me feel very at ease and so comfortable. This Hamba Allah was showing me how to perform the wudhu so that I could join in the rest for solah too. Whoever he was, I could tell that he was a lovely and gentle person.

There is just something about this man. There is just something about the whole ambience of the Masjid. I, have never felt so peaceful in my whole life before. And I actually felt the peace in that dream, Masyaallah.. It was a very brief dream but up till this day, I still remember every single details of it; Very clearly with my heart and soul. If I could return back to that very same dream, if I could be back at that Masjid, I would definitely want to be back there again. When I woke up from that dream, I had alot of qns going on in my head.

“Why?”
“What is the purpose of that dream?”
“Who was that man?”

I shared this with my parents and they claimed that maybe its a sign from Allah for me to start praying.I pondered over it for a day or two and being human (who never can run away from making mistakes), I eventually forgot about that dream. I went on with my jahiliyah life as per normal until about a year after that..

I was texting a friend on Whatsapp. We were talking when he suddenly asked me a very simple qn, but yet it was one that tug my heart strings so bad. He asked me, “Have you solat?”. At that very second, my eyes started tearing out of nowhere and I suddenly got reminded of that dream I had a year ago. Honestly, the only thing that was going on in my mind at that point of time is “What have you done?” I wanted to literally beat myself up. I hate how ignorant I was. Allah was giving me the sign, He was giving me a wake up call. Yet I chose to ignore it completely. How could I?

From that moment, I decided that it’s time to change. I learn how to solat. And I made a promise to never miss any of my prayers.
A dear friend of mine even got me a book about Solah and she had the cover page all wrapped up nicely with a wrapping paper. When I asked her why,she said that if in any case I need to read the book while I’m outside, I can do so easily and need not feel uncomfortable about it. Subhanallah, I can never thank Allah enough for all that she has done for me. She was also the one who gifted me my first travel telekung and my first Quran with translations. I believe that it was actually Allah helping me, through her. I can only pray that with every prayer I perform using that telekung, and with every verse that I read from that Quran, that she will be granted with the same if not more pahala as/than me. Amin.

A few months after that, I decided that it wasn’t enough. I had to do something more for Allah. I have always been on the receiving end and He has always been giving and giving and giving when He should be the one receiving. It was then when I made the decision to put on the hijab. It was really painful when you search for decent clothings and scarves in your wardrobe and yet you found none. I can never forget how devastating it was. I spent an hour sitting in front of my wardrobe,crying. I was so disappointed with myself. But Alhamdullilah, Allah has made it easy for me.

The first day of putting on the hijab, it felt so different. People who used to greet me with a “hi”, they started to say salam when they saw me. Of course the journey has not been easy. I have my own struggles too and even now I am still stuggling. But I always believed that if you truly want to change for good, Allah will send the good people to help you. Do not wait for Hidayah to come to you. Instead work, chase and look for it.

My dear sisters, for those of you who are already in Hijab, for those of you who have not yet donned the Hijab and for those of you who have the intention of donning the Hijab, my advice to all of you would only be one. Make du’a. Make lots and lots of du’a. For you and for the ones around you. Do not judge people or criticize them, instead raise your hands and make du’a for them. Because maybe their du’a will not be granted by Allah but perhaps, YOUR du’a FOR them, will be granted by Allah. Always help each other and support even the slightest positive change that people make.

We are all in this together. Take care of your heart and fill it with love for Allah and Rasulullah SAW. Lets work towards Jannah 🙂

I love all of you my dear sisters of faith. Lillahi ta’ala.

From,
His slave.


If you read my post on Learn to Love Again, you will be informed that there will be a  Halaqah session this month! The topic would be on ‘Self-esteem’. Do contact me if you wish to be a part of the Halaqah session. 😀

To know why I’m posting other sisters’ Hijrah Story, you can click on this link:

Intro: Learn to Love Again

And to read other Hijrah Stories:

Hijrah Story #1: I was forced into a Tahfiz!

Hijrah Story #1: I was forced into a Tahfiz!

Bismillaahirrahmaanirrahmeen…

Hijrah Story by: Sister Hanisah

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2008-2011

The years where I was in a state of denial, confusion, in search of repentance. Countless of times, signs were being shown to be be it evidently or non-evidently. I had a choice to differentiate between the good and the bad but I never did quite accept the good. Instead of enjoining good, I was content doing evil deeds for it had the satisfaction and happiness coming in. I led a different path than the rest, kept the most darkest secret that I will never be able to share with anyone, full of sins every single day but never did I took a step ahead wanting to change myself. Mixing with the wrong kind of people who taught me to do things that are either illegal by law or forbidden in Islam was acceptable to me during my Jahiliyyah days. I had the utmost fulfilment following my desires. Day after day, night after night, I was full of sins that nobody did ever know how hypocrite I was be it to my mum or my friends.

My mum is a religious person. Asking me to pray and sent me to religious classes I never did enjoy going to. All she ever wanted me was to be someone whom I’m not and that caused me to go out of rage and skipped classes or prayers without even a tinge of guilt. I never did feel happy or at ease having to go through sadness every day and there was never sweetness in my life. If there was, it’s only temporary; never permanent.

As I begin to reach the stage of an adolescent, I realised one thing.

“How is it possible that I enjoy doing bad deeds but I never did feel that satisfaction nor do I ever feel happy every single day when I am with my loved ones? How is it possible that I am always full of doubts, insecurity, hatred, jealousy, lugubriousness every second? Is that called hypocrisy having me to fake what I truly feel every day to others?”

I wasn’t able to find the answers despite the number of times I talked to my friends about this. The number of times I searched online. The number of times I resulted to other means to ease the pain. I was going insane. Nobody knew the number of times I wanted to commit suicide. Nobody knew the number of times I had intoxications on to myself. Nobody knew I was going through depression. Nobody knew. And you see the reason why? It is because NOBODY knew. Nobody from the member of the races of Homo sapiens; person, man, woman or child knew the existence of my unstable emotions, suicidal thoughts or the contentment feeling in me doing things I was not supposed to.

Until………..

A few days before prom,

Mum: Alang, I am sending you to a tahfiz^ school for a month as you’re gonna be available by then & I am not accepting ‘no’ as an answer. It’s time for you to change Alang. Ibu can’t afford to lose my one and only Alang.

^ Tahfiz school is a Quranic school where they are required to memorise the Quran and also learn about their own religion; Islam.

That was the moment I will never be able to forget how hurt I felt because I was not ready to repent AT ALL. I was not ready to cover my head and perspire underneath. I was not ready to pray 5 times a day. I was not ready to be labelled as a ‘pious lady’. I was not ready to wear the jubah. I was not ready to leave my dance-acting journey. I was not ready for my friends’ critique. I was not ready to leave my ex. But the most important thing of all that I wasn’t ready for, I wasn’t ready to take a step forward to repent. I have yet to explore the World. Excuses after excuses. The number of excuses I had was horrendous. And the reason is just because, “I am not ready to be someone who I am not”. 

I was then forced to go there. I remembered the pain having to force my way there without even having a single percent of going there with an open heart. I was worried about tons and tons of things that shouldn’t even be a priority in my life but I did. I was hell worried that my friends were going to leave me after knowing that I have changed. I was worried my ex will leave me upon repenting. I was worried about THE SLIGHTEST LITTLE THINGS.

I hated my mum when I reached Malacca – Maahad Tafiz Al-Quran Batu Berendam. One month of stay without your parents, without your family. Best thing of all? You are left there ALONE and by force. 1 month of stay I cried profusely. That 1 month of stay too, was a wake up call of me. The timetable and the rules and regulations over there is horrifying I have to say. But that is because, I couldn’t adapt to it. I was so accustomed to the Westernized culture that I suffered, I suffered a lot there having to repent in just A MONTH. Every day, I will write a diary entry of my sufferings on how I wished to go back home and gain back my freedom. I keep wishing, hoping but I can’t. I wasn’t allowed to run away. I wasn’t allowed to have any form of communication with the outside world. I wasn’t allowed to keep my phone. I wasn’t allowed to keep the bear my ex bought for me.

I was required to focus on one which is only Allah swt.

Over there, they shaped me to become someone disciplined, someone who is not reliant on the technology, someone who puts Allah before everything, who made me realise why was it so hard for me to repent even though almost every day I wished to. I had to be so independent to the extent where the only thing I would do every night is to cry and cry and cry and cry again wishing I was at home with my mum seeking her forgiveness for making her cry almost every time because of my ruthless behaviour. There, they taught me the difference in you being able to accept your religion whole-heartedly and I can tell you, the peace and tranquillity I felt is different than in this fast paced country. I am not saying that the people over there are evil for they stopped me from getting my freedom but people, freedom is what makes us become someone whom we never taught we would be.

And the saddest part of all, I lost a lot of friends along the way. I lost a lot of friends whom I taught who are my true friends but they weren’t. They were only there for entertainment purposes. They were never there during my lowest-hijrah moments. I lost my ex. I lost almost everything in this world. And I thought changing was the stupidest thing ever. I changed for a few months after I came back. But i resorted to become the old Hanisah again. However, this time round it was different. Little did I realise, I wanted to go back to God in a proper manner. So I changed again. I put on a headscarf and slowly when my intention is all for Allah, subahanaAllah, Allah swt will always make it easy for you and He did for me. During that period of time, my close friend Humairah dragged me to be one of the mosque youths at Al-Falah and I did. From there, I was welcomed by them. I never felt so welcome, so much love from strangers but Humairah and the rest welcome me with so much love and up to date, I am so thankful for that.

I’ll admit just by donning the hijab does not make you any pious but it does make you want to change your akhlaak knowing that you are dressed modestly and you should act accordingly. There will be trials and tribulations in between as always; but do not stop there. Like how after donning the hijab and wanting to be someone better, I was so close to convert to Christian believing that there is more freedom in being a Christian. That, they are more bonded than the people of my religion. That, my people are all segregated to “different sections” and a few of the “sections” are too “religious” that it made me go bonkers and resulted to depression. Which I also hated the sight of the Quran. It irked me and I felt like throwing it away the moment I see it.

I couldn’t remember exactly how I managed to pull myself up but I know one thing for sure, along the way, I was able to make my way towards Allah azza wa jal (‘s) path and I am still here finding my way back to Allah every time I sinned knowingly or unknowingly. It took me a lot to become who I am today and I thank God for this beautiful hijrah. 


If you read my post on Learn to Love Again, you will be informed that Sister Hanisah will be leading this month’s Halaqah session! The topic would be on ‘Self-esteem’. Do contact me if you wish to be a part of the Halaqah session. 😀

To know why I’m posting other ladies’ Hijrah Story, you can click on this link:

Intro: Learn to Love Again