Hijrah Story by: Sister Hanisah
The years where I was in a state of denial, confusion, in search of repentance. Countless of times, signs were being shown to be be it evidently or non-evidently. I had a choice to differentiate between the good and the bad but I never did quite accept the good. Instead of enjoining good, I was content doing evil deeds for it had the satisfaction and happiness coming in. I led a different path than the rest, kept the most darkest secret that I will never be able to share with anyone, full of sins every single day but never did I took a step ahead wanting to change myself. Mixing with the wrong kind of people who taught me to do things that are either illegal by law or forbidden in Islam was acceptable to me during my Jahiliyyah days. I had the utmost fulfilment following my desires. Day after day, night after night, I was full of sins that nobody did ever know how hypocrite I was be it to my mum or my friends.
My mum is a religious person. Asking me to pray and sent me to religious classes I never did enjoy going to. All she ever wanted me was to be someone whom I’m not and that caused me to go out of rage and skipped classes or prayers without even a tinge of guilt. I never did feel happy or at ease having to go through sadness every day and there was never sweetness in my life. If there was, it’s only temporary; never permanent.
As I begin to reach the stage of an adolescent, I realised one thing.
“How is it possible that I enjoy doing bad deeds but I never did feel that satisfaction nor do I ever feel happy every single day when I am with my loved ones? How is it possible that I am always full of doubts, insecurity, hatred, jealousy, lugubriousness every second? Is that called hypocrisy having me to fake what I truly feel every day to others?”
I wasn’t able to find the answers despite the number of times I talked to my friends about this. The number of times I searched online. The number of times I resulted to other means to ease the pain. I was going insane. Nobody knew the number of times I wanted to commit suicide. Nobody knew the number of times I had intoxications on to myself. Nobody knew I was going through depression. Nobody knew. And you see the reason why? It is because NOBODY knew. Nobody from the member of the races of Homo sapiens; person, man, woman or child knew the existence of my unstable emotions, suicidal thoughts or the contentment feeling in me doing things I was not supposed to.
A few days before prom,
Mum: Alang, I am sending you to a tahfiz^ school for a month as you’re gonna be available by then & I am not accepting ‘no’ as an answer. It’s time for you to change Alang. Ibu can’t afford to lose my one and only Alang.
^ Tahfiz school is a Quranic school where they are required to memorise the Quran and also learn about their own religion; Islam.
That was the moment I will never be able to forget how hurt I felt because I was not ready to repent AT ALL. I was not ready to cover my head and perspire underneath. I was not ready to pray 5 times a day. I was not ready to be labelled as a ‘pious lady’. I was not ready to wear the jubah. I was not ready to leave my dance-acting journey. I was not ready for my friends’ critique. I was not ready to leave my ex. But the most important thing of all that I wasn’t ready for, I wasn’t ready to take a step forward to repent. I have yet to explore the World. Excuses after excuses. The number of excuses I had was horrendous. And the reason is just because, “I am not ready to be someone who I am not”.
I was then forced to go there. I remembered the pain having to force my way there without even having a single percent of going there with an open heart. I was worried about tons and tons of things that shouldn’t even be a priority in my life but I did. I was hell worried that my friends were going to leave me after knowing that I have changed. I was worried my ex will leave me upon repenting. I was worried about THE SLIGHTEST LITTLE THINGS.
I hated my mum when I reached Malacca – Maahad Tafiz Al-Quran Batu Berendam. One month of stay without your parents, without your family. Best thing of all? You are left there ALONE and by force. 1 month of stay I cried profusely. That 1 month of stay too, was a wake up call of me. The timetable and the rules and regulations over there is horrifying I have to say. But that is because, I couldn’t adapt to it. I was so accustomed to the Westernized culture that I suffered, I suffered a lot there having to repent in just A MONTH. Every day, I will write a diary entry of my sufferings on how I wished to go back home and gain back my freedom. I keep wishing, hoping but I can’t. I wasn’t allowed to run away. I wasn’t allowed to have any form of communication with the outside world. I wasn’t allowed to keep my phone. I wasn’t allowed to keep the bear my ex bought for me.
I was required to focus on one which is only Allah swt.
Over there, they shaped me to become someone disciplined, someone who is not reliant on the technology, someone who puts Allah before everything, who made me realise why was it so hard for me to repent even though almost every day I wished to. I had to be so independent to the extent where the only thing I would do every night is to cry and cry and cry and cry again wishing I was at home with my mum seeking her forgiveness for making her cry almost every time because of my ruthless behaviour. There, they taught me the difference in you being able to accept your religion whole-heartedly and I can tell you, the peace and tranquillity I felt is different than in this fast paced country. I am not saying that the people over there are evil for they stopped me from getting my freedom but people, freedom is what makes us become someone whom we never taught we would be.
And the saddest part of all, I lost a lot of friends along the way. I lost a lot of friends whom I taught who are my true friends but they weren’t. They were only there for entertainment purposes. They were never there during my lowest-hijrah moments. I lost my ex. I lost almost everything in this world. And I thought changing was the stupidest thing ever. I changed for a few months after I came back. But i resorted to become the old Hanisah again. However, this time round it was different. Little did I realise, I wanted to go back to God in a proper manner. So I changed again. I put on a headscarf and slowly when my intention is all for Allah, subahanaAllah, Allah swt will always make it easy for you and He did for me. During that period of time, my close friend Humairah dragged me to be one of the mosque youths at Al-Falah and I did. From there, I was welcomed by them. I never felt so welcome, so much love from strangers but Humairah and the rest welcome me with so much love and up to date, I am so thankful for that.
I’ll admit just by donning the hijab does not make you any pious but it does make you want to change your akhlaak knowing that you are dressed modestly and you should act accordingly. There will be trials and tribulations in between as always; but do not stop there. Like how after donning the hijab and wanting to be someone better, I was so close to convert to Christian believing that there is more freedom in being a Christian. That, they are more bonded than the people of my religion. That, my people are all segregated to “different sections” and a few of the “sections” are too “religious” that it made me go bonkers and resulted to depression. Which I also hated the sight of the Quran. It irked me and I felt like throwing it away the moment I see it.
I couldn’t remember exactly how I managed to pull myself up but I know one thing for sure, along the way, I was able to make my way towards Allah azza wa jal (‘s) path and I am still here finding my way back to Allah every time I sinned knowingly or unknowingly. It took me a lot to become who I am today and I thank God for this beautiful hijrah.
If you read my post on Learn to Love Again, you will be informed that Sister Hanisah will be leading this month’s Halaqah session! The topic would be on ‘Self-esteem’. Do contact me if you wish to be a part of the Halaqah session. 😀
To know why I’m posting other ladies’ Hijrah Story, you can click on this link: