I was brought up in a family where religion is not our main priority. I was not sent to any religious class thus I do not have any knowledge on such a beautiful religion I am in. All I ever felt was restricted for not being able to do many things. I had a bad childhood whereby my father left when I was a 3-4 y/o because he made a Chinese girl who was studying in University, pregnant. After the divorce, my mother brought many of her “boyfriends” back home. Most of them abused us(my younger brother and I) so badly but none of us ever voiced out to our grandparents because we were threatened by our mother. We withstand the torture for years, one after another. At such a young age, I was exposed to so many inappropriate things such as violence and sex which at that point of time of course I could not understand what was going on. I can safely say i have no religion upbringing at all. As I grow, I learnt that fasting during Ramadan is a must and praying is optional( except for my grandmother no one else in the family prays).
When I entered ITE, that’s when I got myself in a relationship for the very first time. He was good-looking with great body, a popular guy in school and a Roman Catholic. I thought I was the luckiest girl ever. I got worse. I don’t fast during the fasting month neither do I pray. I drink, clubbed, the clothes I wear…. Astaghfirullahalazim. My relationship with my family got real bad because I really had a bad temper and I would always prioritized my boyfriend, spending all my money on him. He would brain wash me telling that my family used me for money and he even fought with them calling them names. I did not even stand up for my family instead I supported him because I felt like he was the one who has been there for me. He would tell me how ridiculous Islam is and that I should be baptist. We planned that we would migrate to Canada, get married and start our own family. You see, I don’t solely blame him of what he had made be become. I blame myself the most for letting someone control me.
We were together for 2 years and I would say that it was the most difficult time I have ever face in my life(trust me it was sweet as cotton candy at first). Life gets so hard and meaningless at times. I felt empty even when I’m surrounded with so many friends around me or even when I’m in club with the loud music. Its funny how I get whatever I want like getting to poly and getting to travel across the the world and still not feeling satisfied. Its like I lost a part of me somewhere. I lead a life full of fear. I fear of going to sleep every night because I’m afraid I’d die in my sleep knowing that I have not ask for forgiveness from my family and from Allah especially. I fear of the hereafter because I know where I’d be place. That’s when I started questioning myself. Is this the kind of life I really want? Do I really want to lead a life as a non-muslim? If I die, will Allah the Almighty accept me? If He did, how will I answer for all the sins I have committed. Then I thought of the punishments. The fire…..how terrified I’d be.
Then I made the most painful decision which is to let go of my the man I was with for 2 years. I know if I want to change, that is the first thing I had to let go of. It pains me but I know this is what’s best for me. I know this sacrifice would be worth it. Alhamdulillah I’m so thankful that Allah has blessed me with an amazing niqabi best friend who would go an extra mile for me after knowing that I want to change.
I started wearing the hijab during the eve of Ramadhan. My best friend was the happiest person in the world! Even after I wore the hijab, I fear Allah would not forgive my sins. I’m afraid its just too big to be forgiven. I cried so hard in every prayers asking for forgiveness waking up every night for tahajjud. I seek as much knowledge as I could. I utilized my day researching and reading endless books that I could lay my hands on. That’s when I learnt that a person would feel like Allah will not forgive their sins is when they have lack of faith on Allah and His abilities.
Alhamdulillah Allah has given me endless rezeki and my relationship with my family has improve tremendously. My mother has become more responsible but lets pray for her that she’d be given hidayah to start being a practicing muslim. Though I still have an elder sister who at times I asked Allah to forgive her as she did so many things to my grandmother and I have a brother who’s a gay and does not have faith in Allah, lastly a mother who’s a computer addict, I still feel blessed because they are a form of a test for me. My grandmother has been my best supporter ever since she saw me with a hijab. I’m so thankful that she had sent me to learn to read the Quran during my secondary school days(I used to complain alot because the class is from monday-friday. Took me less than a year to finish it and my grandma was so proud because I’m the first one among my siblings to qatam). It has help me alot during my process of changing. I just cannot imagine myself not being able to read the Quran.
I have heard a lot of people blaming their parents for not educating them religiously and does nothing about it. They simply said they weren’t taught so why should they practice. I hope I am an example of not being brought up religiously but still manage to be a practicing muslim.
Everyone asked me how did I “gained hidayah”. The fact about hidayah is we can’t sit there committing sins and expect hidayah to come. I instill so much fear in myself that I don’t even dare to do it or go near it. How do I instill fear? Simply, the more we know the more we fear. I am still working my way to be a better muslimah. I leave my faith fully on Allah and I believe His plans are way better than my wants. I hope you’d keep me in your prayers.
We all can dwell on our past. I regretted my past so much. But we should also move on. I know no one should ever go through the kind of life I face as a child. How much torment it is to be beaten by a stranger, find ways to get food but I know my child will not go through that phase In shaa Allah. I know now matter what happens, I have nothing else to lose because Allah is sufficient for me.
Sister Hamidah has her own blog too! You can check out her inspiring blog: http://sitihamidahshafari.blogspot.sg
If you read my post on Learn to Love Again, you will be informed that there will be a Halaqah session this month! The topic would be on ‘Self-esteem’. Do contact me if you wish to be a part of the Halaqah session. 😀
To know why I’m posting other sisters’ Hijrah Story, you can click on this link:
And to read other Hijrah Stories: