Assalamualaikum Wr. Wb.
Being married at a generally young age of 22, I have received quite a number of questions that circulate around “how do you know you’re prepared for marriage?” Truth is, you wouldn’t really know it till you’re being put into the situation. What you imagine about what your ideal marriage life gonna be, might just be a fairytale. But here are just a few guidelines which I personally feel that may gauge how successful your marriage life gonna be.
1. Do Not Marry Your Lover
I may not be accurate at this. But just think about it. Before you’re married to your so called other half, the happiest being on earth is Syaitan. Syaitan will do all he can to make the relationship as pleasant, wonderful and beautiful as it can be. A joke people always make about lovey dovey couples: even your fart is fragrance to your partner. Syaitan hates it when we abide Allah SWT commands and so, he hates when two souls tie a knot in the name of Allah SWT. Syaitan will try his best to create chaos in the household and break it up. Now, imagine your used to be loveliest other half, turns into the most unfavourable person on this universe! And you wonder “what happened to my 2 years boyfriend? It’s just a month after nikah!”. (You can read “Islamic Couple?“)
As cliche as this may sound but truth is, you won’t really know your lover until you live in the same house with him/her. Doesn’t matter how long you are together but all the acts before marriage were just nothing but mere pretence. I have heard several cases whereby couples were together for six seven years, but within a couple months of marriage, they went their separate ways. Are we amongst those who are making the Syaitan satisfied?
2. Obey Allah SWT and You Will Obey Your Spouse
I believe obedience is an act of love and sincerity. Obedience to Allah SWT is an ‘ibadah.
A cousin of mine once went for a job interview and she is a hijabi. She will need to take off her scarf in order to be accepted for the job. She refused and the interviewer had to turn her down. She then confidently said “if people don’t obey what God commands them to do, they will never obey you.” MasyaAllah. Such bravery.
How harsh it may sound, but reality is even harsher. Just look at the divorce rate amongst Malay Muslim in Singapore? It’s increasing at a very worrying rate. Are you marrying for the right reasons?
3. Marriage is Not About You…Nor is it About Him/Her.
I wish to say this over and over and over again. For a marriage to be successful, you must push your spouse towards Jannah. But more often than not, we see that people are doing the otherwise instead. If you’re not ready to do everything and anything for the sake of Allah SWT, then you will always come into an argument with your spouse.
In a Hadith (Divine inspiration from Allah): “The best of you are those who are the best to their wives, and I am the best of you to my wives.” [at-Tirmidhi]
Usually men who are not learned about the characteristics of our beloved Prophet PBUH like to take advantage over their wives. Recently I’ve read a post on Facebook whereby an anonymous sister complaints that “every time my husband and I argue he always say most women are going to hell, women are married to be slaves to their husband, cook and clean after them and only to produce children.”
In a long Hadith in Sahih Bukhari and Muslim, Rasulullah says that “…A man is the guardian of his family and he is responsible for them. A woman is the guardian of her husband’s home and his children and she is responsible for them…”
As people are becoming more career minded and have their own goals in life, the Hadith above is slowly becoming less and less popular although it comes from the most authentic sources. We’re too concern about this life that we forget what is the real purpose of life. There are a lot of sacrifices that are needed in marriage but when we marry because of Allah SWT, all those sacrifices will be worth it when we enter Jannah later, insyaAllah.
4. Love Allah SWT and Rasulullah SAW First
This is the most valuable lesson of life that I’ve gathered. We are always hoping for human’s love that we forget the ultimate Divine love. Human’s love can fail but Allah’s and Rasulullah’s love will never fail on us. It is when we let go off all our fears and wants of this dunya, that we will truly achieve the sweetness of our Creator’s love. It may be a struggle at first, but believe me that you won’t find even an inch or regret for making this decision.
I remembered when I decided to surrender my life to Allah SWT, I let go of almost every.single.thing – tangible and intangible. I remembered asking for Allah SWT to fill my heart with His love and Rasulullah’s love before filling it with human’s love. I remembered when syaitan whispered into my ear that by doing so, I will not marry because it will take forever for my diseased heart to be purified. It was tough. I cried almost every night for Allah to strengthen my Imaan but I realised how Merciful He was when just within a few months, He met me with my husband. Subhanallah. Indeed it is true when you come walking to Allah SWT, He will come running for you. (You can read “How I Met My Husband“)
At the end of the day, touch your heart and ask yourself. “Why do I want to marry?” If the reason is other than to please Allah SWT, then do a recheck of intention.
Another next common question would be “I’m ready for marriage! But… my parents are not supportive marrying at a young age.”.
It may look quite impossible at first to convince your parents. Your intention to marry may be fully for Allah SWT, but your parents still see you as their baby – not mentally or financially prepared. You may have full trust in Allah SWT that He will take care of your all your affairs but your parents may not see it the same way as you. One thing that I learn, you should not have the mindset to change your parent’s perspectives by throwing at them all the Islamic rulings and all the Hadith whereby Rasulullah SAW married Aisha r.a when she’s still young. So here’s what you can do:
1. If you’re close to your parents and you’re comfortable talking to your parents face to face, get a time when your parents are calm. Talk to your mum and your dad on two separate occasions. I realised I always talk to my mum when we’re just laying on bed and have a casual talk, and as for my dad, I’ll talk to him in the car. If you’re not comfortable talking face to face, then message at the right time.
2. The trick is to let your parents know how vulnerable you are if you do not do something (for the sake of Allah of cz). For example, even when I wanted to wear the niqab, I said to my mum that I needed to wear it cz I need to tone myself down. It’s all about letting your parents feel what you’re going through. Let them know the changes that you will be going through. Share with them how marriage can turn you into a better person and a better slave of Allah.
3. After that, then you can share with them the Islamic rulings and share about Rasulullah SAW’s story. You may also want to share about some stories from people that you know who marry at such young age and they are still doing great! You can share with them too how relying on Allah SWT is essential because He is the One that provides us with rizq.
4. Wake up in the middle of the night and make lots and lots of prayers. If you understand that you should rely solely on Allah SWT, then know that only Allah SWT can change your parents’ hearts. InsyaAllah what is meant for you will not miss you. And even after all those efforts you still don’t succeed then know that it is not meant for you and Allah SWT has better plans in store for you.
So, are you prepared for marriage?