Assalaamu’alaikum Wr. Wbt.
Being surrounded by undergraduate students, many of them told me of their intention to marry. However there were a lot of BUTS. Those undergraduates were mainly in their early twenties which made me I realise that I was married at quite a young age of 22. Being an undergraduate myself who’s been married for 17 months now, I had to reassure them that marriage isn’t the end of life and at the same time it’s not really the start of life too. I would say, it’s the start of a whole new adventure (literally). (Read: How I Met My Husband)
InsyaAllah I’ll try to debunk some myths and worries that people have about marrying at a young age (especially as an undergraduate) or marriage in general.
1. “But… I’ve no savings for the wedding and for the future.”
Financial issues have got to be the top worry. Trust me, if you keep running after money, money will keep running away from you. And in this increasingly demanding pressure for a grand wedding, you’ll never be able to gather that much money in a short time.
This goes especially to undergraduates or students as a whole. If you’ve already someone in mind, do not drag the relationship. For the wedding, perform what is wajib and leave what’s wasteful. A grand wedding won’t determine a long-lasting marriage. It will only determine a long-lasting loan! (Read: Islamic Couple?)
If both you and your future spouse are still studying and you can’t afford to pay for the school fees, get a healthy “loan” from the parents. Meaning, discuss with your future in laws if they can still provide for their daughter’s studies until you get a job and able to pay them back. If you’re really sincere, InsyaAllah they’ll be able to feel your sincerity.
Plus, don’t worry. Allah SWT help you, insyaAllah. Isn’t He’s the One who provides rizq (sustenance)?
2. “But… I’ll have to stop studying!”
Especially for those who are still studying, this is a huge myth. However, this is greatly depending on who you’re married to. If you’re married to someone who very much placed great importance on gaining knowledge, then InsyaAllah you’ll be able to keep studying till the end of time.
What’s important here is to know the objective of the marriage before marrying. Objective is important because it directs where you want the marriage to head to. And if during the ta’aruf (getting to know) session you realise that your objective and the objective of the person who you intend to marry are not align, then maybe the person just isn’t for you.
Just a word of caution. There might be a period of time whereby you’ll have to be separated from your husband to pursue your studies especially if you’re pursuing it overseas. Maybe 4 months, 6 months, a year or more? This is the sacrifices that you’ve to go through. But trust me, you’ll have a halal motivation to go through this tough period together! And if you’re doing it only for Allah SWT, then InsyaAllah it will be easy for both of you.
3. “But… I’ll have to stay at home and serve my husband only.”
Partly, this isn’t true. Of cz your main priority is your husband but after you’ve served your husband, take care of the house, you can serve the society too. While your husband is out to work, with the permission of your husband, go out and contribute back to the society or gain some Islamic knowledge. Even if you’ve your own children, bring them together with you! You’ll be a role model to them, InsyaAllah – a supermum who doesn’t only care about what’s happening at home, but also cares for the society.
Oh, and a good husband will help you with the house chores whenever he can and he treats you well. Didn’t our beloved Prophet Muhammad SAW say that the best among you is the best towards his wife?
4. “But… I’ve yet to repay my parent’s kindness.”
This is the greatest myth of all time. Many a time people say this because their definition of repaying parent’s kindness is through monetary term. No one says that you’ve to stop serving your parents when you’re married! Serving our parents is an ongoing process till their last breath. Or even after they’ve passed away, we can still perform ‘amal jari’ah (continuous deeds) for them.
From my own experience, I can confidently say that the wellbeing of my parents gets even better with the presence of my husband. He doesn’t only treat them way better than I do, he also provides for them way more than I expect. I guess indirectly, I’m repaying my parents more than I thought I could (although we can never really repay their kindness fully).
5. “But… I’m afraid of choosing the wrong guy.”
You don’t choose.Your parents don’t choose. No one will choose for you. You ask Allah SWT to choose. Humans make error, but God won’t. He creates you, He knows what’s best for you. Even though you think the person is the one for you, fact is, you wouldn’t know. Always always make istikharah and leave the decision to Allah SWT. Allah knows what’s best for you.
After constant istikharah and putting faith in Allah SWT, rest assured that Allah SWT will show you the way. Allah SWT will make it easy for you if the person really meant for you. However it will be made difficult for you if the person isn’t for you. Have trust in Him, and accept sincerely whatever the out gonna be. Even if you did not get the person, know that Allah SWT has placed you in the best position.
6. “But… I’m afraid of responsibility.”
Like it or not, even now that you’re single, you’re actually shouldering a certain amount of responsibility. We are just going to get older by the day, so why do we keep running away from responsibility? Responsibility makes us more mature and wise. You’ll realise that two person of the same age, but one married and the other not, they act differently being the former acting in a wiser way. Yes, marriage will make you wiser. It’s up to individuals how they carry themselves through their marriage. It’s either you take it as a positive adventure, or otherwise. It’s all up to you and your attitude. (Read: Am I Ready For Marriage?)
If you’re afraid of marrying someone who’s irresponsible, look up point number 5 again and again. And if you’ve any doubts, again, point number 5. Whatever we do, we have to aim to seek Allah SWT’s pleasure. Ask Allah SWT to be gifted with someone whose goal is to reunite with you in Jannah because he/she wants to meet Allah SWT together with you.
I hope whoever is reading this will be blessed with someone who’s able to complete half of your Deen and that you’ll be able to taste the sweetness of marriage soon, InsyaAllah. 🙂