Your Spouse is Your Mirror

Bismillahirrahmaanirraheem…

Assalamu’alaikum Wr. Wbt.

Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said, “The believers who show the most perfect Faith are those who have the best behaviour, and the best of you are those who are the best to their wives”. [At-Tirmidhi]

It is not uncommon now to hear about couples divorcing when in fact their marriage has been less than five years. A recent survey made by Berita Harian, the main reason for divorce is unfaithfulness of spouse. If you can understand Malay language, you may read the full article here.

For that reason, I have decided to compile all marriage tips that I’ve posted sometimes back on FB. Although I may not be the best person to advice as my marriage has not even reached four years, I sincerely hope that these tips will come in handy for any married couples, insyaAllah. Most importantly, it serves as a reminder for me too.

I name this post as ‘Your Spouse is Your Mirror’ because I hold on dear to the hadith above. If you treat your wife good, then InsyaAllah she will reciprocate with good treatment and vice versa. So if you feel your marriage is not bringing peace into your home, check on yourself first and work things out. However, I am not stereotyping to all marriages because in this world they are some exceptions. I know of people who are super good to their spouse yet their spouse reciprocates with bad treatment.

The list is quite comprehensive but I hope these tips will be beneficial, insyaAllah. There’s no order because I copy paste it according to the time line I’ve posted on FB.

Happy Marriage #01

Never share your marital problems with anyone. Not your best friend or even your parents, what more on social media. They will only hear a one-sided story and for sure, because you’re close to them, they will support you without knowing the true story.

Only share the story with someone you trust, who can give good advice, if your intention is to improve on the relationship. Otherwise, please solve marital challenges together, as wise adults, in a discreet manner.

Happy Marriage #02


Marry for Allah SWT. If you’re involved in a relationship before marriage with your spouse, make sincere taubah together!
Change your intention for marriage, and InsyaAllah your marriage will be filled with barakah. Make Allah as the center of your life and marriage, and you’ll be able to taste genuine and true happiness. The closer you and your spouse are to Allah, the closer you’ll be with your spouse! In the end, don’t you want to reunite with your spouse in Jannah?

Happy Marriage #03

Unless you’re working night shift, never never never let your spouse sleeps alone. Yes, you may come back from work feeling exhausted and all you want to do is to have your own me-time. However, one should understand that me-time has now turn to we-time once one accepted one’s spouse into one’s life.

No, it’s not wrong to have a me-time once in a while. It’s only wrong when you demand your me-time every single day. You and your spouse may be working from day to evening and the only time you have a proper opportunity to spend time with each other is during bedtime.

Let go of all urges to do anything else. Do not bring any gadget, get your spouse and yourself on the bed and enjoy some we-time. Intimacy doesn’t have to mean sex. Having a heart-to-heart talk is also one of the ways to get intimate with each other.

Oh. First thing when you wake up in the morning, do not search for your phone. Instead wake your spouse up if you’ve to, greet him/her and kiss him/her on the forehead. You start and end the day with your spouse.

Happy Marriage #04

Always be the best version of yourself when you’re with your spouse. Often times people became too complacent in relationship because they see their spouse everyday and hence they don’t find the need to impress their other half. In fact, unknowingly most of the time we treat others who we rarely meet way better than we do to our spouse.

For something to last, we have to put in great effort. You wouldn’t say “I love my bag so much” but instead you’ll just throw it at a corner without handling it with care. Same goes to our spouse. Extra tender loving care have to be given to our spouse cz firstly, unlike the bag, they have feelings and secondly, we choose to live with them everyday hence they get affected so easily with our actions towards them.

Happy Marriage #05

Many couples have huge problem when it comes to communicating with each other. One of the reasons is because of the personality of the person itself – prefer to keep quiet and bottle everything up inside and treat as if nothing happens.

For a marriage to remain healthy and happy, there must be a form of communication between the spouse. Texting or writing letters may be a way of solving problems, however, nothing beats solving problems at hand, face to face.

When you communicate face to face, your spouse knows exactly your tone, your facial expression and your body language. This cannot be achieved from texting or writing letter. Honestly, it will take time to get used to talking, especially if you’re the type who rather bottle up your feelings.

Find the right time to talk. Always remain calm and always bear in mind that your objective is to find a solution to the problem together. If it’s a mistake that you’ve made, admit it with an open heart and try to improve. If it’s your spouse’s mistake, advise your spouse nicely. Do not have the intention of hurting your spouse just because your spouse has hurt you. At the end of it, say sorry even if you’ve not done any wrong because in the process of giving advise you may hurt you spouse unintentionally.

When you improve yourself, you’ll improve your marriage.

Happy Marriage #06

Never talk bad about your in-laws. Remember that your in-laws are your spouse’s family. What will you feel if your spouse talks bad about your own mum, dad or family as a whole?

Even if you’ve to let our your unhappiness towards your in-laws to your spouse, put it in a way that it won’t create any tension between your spouse and his/her family, or between you yourself and your spouse. Be gracious – pick the right words and tone.

Happy Marriage #07

Unleash your inner child when you’re with your spouse. Do not be ashamed to act silly/cute in front of your spouse because your spouse will be entertained (given you do it at the right time)! It would be easier to be playful if you marry at a young age.

PS: Never act cute in front of anyone else other than your spouse because, you know, others won’t appreciate that sight so much. They might just vomit on the spot.

Happy Marriage #08

Do not contact the opposite gender without any legit reason, what more if that person(s) used to be the most important person at one point of time in your life.

This may sound insecure, but once you got married to your spouse, you shouldn’t even leave a comment at that person’s FB postings. That’s basic respect for your spouse. If you’re genuinely okay with your spouse doing the same to you, then it’s up to the both of you.

Jealousy can really hurt so badly. Contacting the opposite gender is like an indirect way of telling your spouse that he/she can’t fulfil that part of attention that you need (even if you don’t mean it). So instead of seeking for love/entertainment from someone else, give your spouse a chance to show you that he/she is worth it.

After all, one of the most important essences of marriage is loyalty.

Oh, if you need to deal with the opposite gender, make the message short and sharp. Do not make room for the receiver to think that he/she has a chance with you. Because, you know, somehow some people find a married person more attractive than a single person.

Happy Marriage #09

A lot of people can solve the world’s problem and anything in it, but back at home, their own family problems are neglected. Many can listen attentively to outsiders’ rants but when their spouse rants, they turn berserk.

Take a step back and focus on your marriage for once. Listen carefully to your spouse when he/she is laying down the problems that are happening in the marriage. Just like how you solve outsiders’ problems calmly and as wise as possible, you should do even much more when dealing with your spouse.

Be a genuinely happy person inside and outside your house!

Happy Marriage #10

As far as possible, never end your day with feelings of unhappiness and anger towards your spouse even how huge your argument might be in the day.

Most of the time, argument in a marriage happens not because one is wrong while the other is right. It is inevitable misunderstanding that happens because both party love each other so much, they feel a need to voice out.

Trust me, in an argument, both party will feel hurt. Since no one is in the wrong per se, say sorry for whatever that has happened and promise that the situation will improve. Saying sorry doesn’t mean you lose in the argument, you apologise for hurting your spouse knowingly or unknowingly. And yes, if your spouse apologised, you apologise too for hurting him/her.

Discuss how to make things better after that and your marriage will get stronger. Arguments are not meant for hating but it’s meant to make you understand each other better.

Happy Marriage #11

Never leave a day without saying “I love you” or “I miss you” genuinely to your spouse.

A trick if your spouse is embarassed to reply you: 
If your spouse just smiles sheepishly without replying, ask him/her
“you don’t love me too..? *insert act cute sad face*”.
Your spouse will surely feel obligated to reply although he/she may be super shy to say those words because he/she loves you that much too!

If you want to take all this act cute thingy to a whole new cringy level, after your spouse says “I love you too”, you reply “I love you too, three, for-ever (four ever)!” Hehe… Omg. I’m cringing just by typing this out. Haha.

And yes, please do it when no one else is around you and your spouse.
Happy Marriage #12

Always consult with your spouse in any matter – whether minute or life-changing decision. Listen, understand and provide/accept sincere advice when needed/given. At times, your spouse knows you better than you know yourself.

Make your spouse feel important. After all, whatever decision you’re going to make, it might affect your spouse in one way or another. Your spouse is your life companion.

Happy Marriage #13

Always “renew” your marriage by reading books meant for newly married couples. These kind of books will allow you to gauge how far you’ve “performed” in your marriage. It will help you to remain on track cz it serves as a constant reminder as to why you first marry the person you’re with now. Plus, even though if you first marry for the wrong reason, these books will enable you set your intention right again, InsyaAllah.

Happy Marriage #14

Do not ask unnecessary questions that will only hurt you and can shake your relationship with your spouse. Especially questions pertaining the past, the opposite gender, etc.

I’ve seen people getting mad at their partner when they themselves asked question like “do you think xxx is pretty?”. At times even when your partner says no, you’ll keep provoking until your partner says “okay la. She looks a bit pretty” and you spoil your own day.

I know at times we just want to test our own spouse cz we want to feel worthy. But hey, the moment your spouse chose you to be their lifetime companion, it already shows you’re the most worthy in their eyes, mind and heart, right? Edit😉

That’s why we need to keep praising, saying good stuff to our spouse so that he/she knows we are always noticing their good side!

WAllahualam.


On a side note, if you have not already done so, I’d like to welcome you to subscribe to my Friday Letters where I will be emailing you my own personal reflection which I feel most relevant and insyaAllah beneficial to be shared that week! I will be emailing my very first letter tomorrow (INSYAALLAH!) after facing lots of problem with the software! To subscribe, don’t be shy and please click here. 🙂


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I Love You For The Sake Of Allah SWT

Bismillaahirrahmaanirrahiim…

Assalamualaikum Wr. Wbt.

MasyaAllah. Today marks the second year of our marriage. Time flies so fast when you’re with the person you love. I can still vividly remember how I met my husband (click here to read). I guess one of the reasons why it still remains fresh in my memory is because I’ve been sharing my story with quite a number of people who asked.

I never really knew what does it take to love someone for the sake of Allah. Before marrying my husband, I thought loving him for the sake of Allah is going to be simple; I just have to obey Allah’s commandments and I will naturally obey my husband. When I finally got married, I realised it wasn’t that simple to act it out.

For me, there is no such thing as honeymoon period. Honeymoon period to me is a myth. From the moment we are being declared as husband and wife, that’s when we start to shoulder our own respective responsibility that Allah SWT has set for us. Suddenly marriage sounds scary, huh? Nope, not really…

It is human nature that we are always wanting and demanding for our rights. Especially in marriage! However we will never find happiness and contentment in our marriage if half the time we are arguing about our rights.

Loving for the sake of Allah SWT would mean you fulfilling your responsibility towards Allah SWT. And knowing that you won’t be able to fulfil your responsibility completely if you do not be responsible over who Allah has put your responsibility under.

So how do we know what are our responsibilities? It’s right there, in the Quran and Sunnah. I won’t elaborate the details because I don’t wish to spark any debate and that’s not the objective of this post. All I wish to highlight is that, once we’ve performed our responsibility, then we are in the position to ask for our rights. Most of the time, you don’t even have to ask for it, it will come to you naturally because Allah SWT is pleased with you.

As of now, I am away from my husband for exactly two months now. Being in a long distance relationship is not easy. I remembered the first few days and weeks after my husband left, I felt empty. Since I’m schooling in Malaysia, going back to Singapore has been quite a challenge cz knowing that my husband isn’t there for me to pinch his chubby face.

My husband always reminds me that we are doing this for Allah SWT. He’s seeking knowledge and I am seeking knowledge for no one but Allah SWT. This is an ‘ibadah and this is our responsibility as ‘abid (slave) and khalifah (leader) of Allah SWT.

Whenever I feel like breaking down because I’m missing my husband so badly, I will remind myself again, this is Allah SWT’s way of giving me a chance to experience the real meaning of loving my husband for His sake. Maybe Allah SWT put us in this situation because we are becoming too dependent on each other. Now that I miss my husband, I learn to depend on Allah SWT again. Strengthening my relationship with Allah SWT directly strengthens my relationship with my husband, SubhanAllah.

Being apart from my husband also allows me to place my highest of tawakul on Allah SWT. I learn to leave my husband under the care of Allah SWT. Knowing that whatever happens, it’s the best that Allah SWT has planned for us.

So the next time when someone asks me, “how to love someone for the sake of Allah SWT?” I’d say ‘responsibility’ and ‘tawakul’. Once you are able to accept that, then you’ll be able to experience honeymoon period all day, every day and eternally, InsyaAllah.
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WAllahualam.

Marriage Is Not The End Of Life

Bismillaahirrahmaanirrahiim…
Assalaamu’alaikum Wr. Wbt.

Being surrounded by undergraduate students, many of them told me of their intention to marry. However there were a lot of BUTS. Those undergraduates were mainly in their early twenties which made me I realise that I was married at quite a young age of 22. Being an undergraduate myself who’s been married for 17 months now, I had to reassure them that marriage isn’t the end of life and at the same time it’s not really the start of life too. I would say, it’s the start of a whole new adventure (literally). (Read: How I Met My Husband)

InsyaAllah I’ll try to debunk some myths and worries that people have about marrying at a young age (especially as an undergraduate) or marriage in general.

1. “But… I’ve no savings for the wedding and for the future.”

 Financial issues have got to be the top worry. Trust me, if you keep running after money, money will keep running away from you. And in this increasingly demanding pressure for a grand wedding, you’ll never be able to gather that much money in a short time.

This goes especially to undergraduates or students as a whole. If you’ve already someone in mind, do not drag the relationship. For the wedding, perform what is wajib and leave what’s wasteful. A grand wedding won’t determine a long-lasting marriage. It will only determine a long-lasting loan! (Read: Islamic Couple?)

If both you and your future spouse are still studying and you can’t afford to pay for the school fees, get a healthy “loan” from the parents. Meaning, discuss with your future in laws if they can still provide for their daughter’s studies until you get a job and able to pay them back. If you’re really sincere, InsyaAllah they’ll be able to feel your sincerity.

Plus, don’t worry. Allah SWT help you, insyaAllah. Isn’t He’s the One who provides rizq (sustenance)?

2. “But… I’ll have to stop studying!”

Especially for those who are still studying, this is a huge myth. However, this is greatly depending on who you’re married to. If you’re married to someone who very much placed great importance on gaining knowledge, then InsyaAllah you’ll be able to keep studying till the end of time.

What’s important here is to know the objective of the marriage before marrying. Objective is important because it directs where you want the marriage to head to. And if during the ta’aruf (getting to know) session you realise that your objective and the objective of the person who you intend to marry are not align, then maybe the person just isn’t for you.

Just a word of caution. There might be a period of time whereby you’ll have to be separated from your husband to pursue your studies especially if you’re pursuing it overseas. Maybe 4 months, 6 months, a year or more? This is the sacrifices that you’ve to go through. But trust me, you’ll have a halal motivation to go through this tough period together! And if you’re doing it only for Allah SWT, then InsyaAllah it will be easy for both of you.

3. “But… I’ll have to stay at home and serve my husband only.”

Partly, this isn’t true. Of cz your main priority is your husband but after you’ve served your husband, take care of the house, you can serve the society too. While your husband is out to work, with the permission of your husband, go out and contribute back to the society or gain some Islamic knowledge. Even if you’ve your own children, bring them together with you! You’ll be a role model to them, InsyaAllah – a supermum who doesn’t only care about what’s happening at home, but also cares for the society.

Oh, and a good husband will help you with the house chores whenever he can and he treats you well. Didn’t our beloved Prophet Muhammad SAW say that the best among you is the best towards his wife?

4. “But… I’ve yet to repay my parent’s kindness.”

This is the greatest myth of all time. Many a time people say this because their definition of repaying parent’s kindness is through monetary term. No one says that you’ve to stop serving your parents when you’re married! Serving our parents is an ongoing process till their last breath. Or even after they’ve passed away, we can still perform ‘amal jari’ah (continuous deeds) for them.

From my own experience, I can confidently say that the wellbeing of my parents gets even better with the presence of my husband. He doesn’t only treat them way better than I do, he also provides for them way more than I expect. I guess indirectly, I’m repaying my parents more than I thought I could (although we can never really repay their kindness fully).

5. “But… I’m afraid of choosing the wrong guy.”

You don’t choose.Your parents don’t choose. No one will choose for you. You ask Allah SWT to choose. Humans make error, but God won’t. He creates you, He knows what’s best for you. Even though you think the person is the one for you, fact is, you wouldn’t know. Always always make istikharah and leave the decision to Allah SWT. Allah knows what’s best for you.

After constant istikharah and putting faith in Allah SWT, rest assured that Allah SWT will show you the way. Allah SWT will make it easy for you if the person really meant for you. However it will be made difficult for you if the person isn’t for you. Have trust in Him, and accept sincerely whatever the out gonna be. Even if you did not get the person, know that Allah SWT has placed you in the best position.

6. “But… I’m afraid of responsibility.”

Never-form-a-habit-ofLike it or not, even now that you’re single, you’re actually shouldering a certain amount of responsibility. We are just going to get older by the day, so why do we keep running away from responsibility? Responsibility makes us more mature and wise. You’ll realise that two person of the same age, but one married and the other not, they act differently being the former acting in a wiser way. Yes, marriage will make you wiser. It’s up to individuals how they carry themselves through their marriage. It’s either you take it as a positive adventure, or otherwise. It’s all up to you and your attitude. (Read: Am I Ready For Marriage?)

If you’re afraid of marrying someone who’s irresponsible, look up point number 5 again and again. And if you’ve any doubts, again, point number 5. Whatever we do, we have to aim to seek Allah SWT’s pleasure. Ask Allah SWT to be gifted with someone whose goal is to reunite with you in Jannah because he/she wants to meet Allah SWT together with you.

I hope whoever is reading this will be blessed with someone who’s able to complete half of your Deen and that you’ll be able to taste the sweetness of marriage soon, InsyaAllah. 🙂

1149025_628686887161766_1271042974_nWAllahualam.

Am I Ready For Marriage?

Bismillaahirrahmaanirraheem…

Assalamualaikum Wr. Wb.

Being married at a generally young age of 22, I have received quite a number of questions that circulate around “how do you know you’re prepared for marriage?” Truth is, you wouldn’t really know it till you’re being put into the situation. What you imagine about what your ideal marriage life gonna be, might just be a fairytale. But here are just a few guidelines which I personally feel that may gauge how successful your marriage life gonna be.

1. Do Not Marry Your Lover

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I may not be accurate at this. But just think about it. Before you’re married to your so called other half, the happiest being on earth is Syaitan. Syaitan will do all he can to make the relationship as pleasant, wonderful and beautiful as it can be. A joke people always make about lovey dovey couples: even your fart is fragrance to your partner. Syaitan hates it when we abide Allah SWT commands and so, he hates when two souls tie a knot in the name of Allah SWT. Syaitan will try his best to create chaos in the household and break it up. Now, imagine your used to be loveliest other half, turns into the most unfavourable person on this universe! And you wonder “what happened to my 2 years boyfriend? It’s just a month after nikah!”. (You can read “Islamic Couple?“)

As cliche as this may sound but truth is, you won’t really know your lover until you live in the same house with him/her. Doesn’t matter how long you are together but all the acts before marriage were just nothing but mere pretence. I have heard several cases whereby couples were together for six seven years, but within a couple months of marriage, they went their separate ways. Are we amongst those who are making the Syaitan satisfied?

2. Obey Allah SWT and You Will Obey Your Spouse

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I believe obedience is an act of love and sincerity. Obedience to Allah SWT is an ‘ibadah.

A cousin of mine once went for a job interview and she is a hijabi. She will need to take off her scarf in order to be accepted for the job. She refused and the interviewer had to turn her down. She then confidently said “if people don’t obey what God commands them to do, they will never obey you.” MasyaAllah. Such bravery.

How harsh it may sound, but reality is even harsher. Just look at the divorce rate amongst Malay Muslim in Singapore? It’s increasing at a very worrying rate. Are you marrying for the right reasons?

3. Marriage is Not About You…Nor is it About Him/Her.

I wish to say this over and over and over again. For a marriage to be successful, you must push your spouse towards Jannah. But more often than not, we see that people are doing the otherwise instead. If you’re not ready to do everything and anything for the sake of Allah SWT, then you will always come into an argument with your spouse.

In a Hadith (Divine inspiration from Allah): “The best of you are those who are the best to their wives, and I am the best of you to my wives.” [at-Tirmidhi]

Usually men who are not learned about the characteristics of our beloved Prophet PBUH like to take advantage over their wives. Recently I’ve read a post on Facebook whereby an anonymous sister complaints that “every time my husband and I argue he always say most women are going to hell, women are married to be slaves to their husband, cook and clean after them and only to produce children.”

In a long Hadith in Sahih Bukhari and Muslim, Rasulullah says that “…A man is the guardian of his family and he is responsible for them. A woman is the guardian of her husband’s home and his children and she is responsible for them…”

As people are becoming more career minded and have their own goals in life, the Hadith above is slowly becoming less and less popular although it comes from the most authentic sources. We’re too concern about this life that we forget what is the real purpose of life. There are a lot of sacrifices that are needed in marriage but when we marry because of Allah SWT, all those sacrifices will be worth it when we enter Jannah later, insyaAllah.

4. Love Allah SWT and Rasulullah SAW First

This is the most valuable lesson of life that I’ve gathered. We are always hoping for human’s love that we forget the ultimate Divine love. Human’s love can fail but Allah’s and Rasulullah’s love will never fail on us. It is when we let go off all our fears and wants of this dunya, that we will truly achieve the sweetness of our Creator’s love. It may be a struggle at first, but believe me that you won’t find even an inch or regret for making this decision.

I remembered when I decided to surrender my life to Allah SWT, I let go of almost every.single.thing – tangible and intangible. I remembered asking for Allah SWT to fill my heart with His love and Rasulullah’s love before filling it with human’s love. I remembered when syaitan whispered into my ear that by doing so, I will not marry because it will take forever for my diseased heart to be purified. It was tough. I cried almost every night for Allah to strengthen my Imaan but I realised how Merciful He was when just within a few months, He met me with my husband. Subhanallah. Indeed it is true when you come walking to Allah SWT, He will come running for you. (You can read “How I Met My Husband“)

At the end of the day, touch your heart and ask yourself. “Why do I want to marry?” If the reason is other than to please Allah SWT, then do a recheck of intention.

Another next common question would be “I’m ready for marriage! But… my parents are not supportive marrying at a young age.”.

It may look quite impossible at first to convince your parents. Your intention to marry may be fully for Allah SWT, but your parents still see you as their baby – not mentally or financially prepared. You may have full trust in Allah SWT that He will take care of your all your affairs but your parents may not see it the same way as you. One thing that I learn, you should not have the mindset to change your parent’s perspectives by throwing at them all the Islamic rulings and all the Hadith whereby Rasulullah SAW married Aisha r.a when she’s still young. So here’s what you can do:

1. If you’re close to your parents and you’re comfortable talking to your parents face to face, get a time when your parents are calm. Talk to your mum and your dad on two separate occasions. I realised I always talk to my mum when we’re just laying on bed and have a casual talk, and as for my dad, I’ll talk to him in the car. If you’re not comfortable talking face to face, then message at the right time.

2. The trick is to let your parents know how vulnerable you are if you do not do something (for the sake of Allah of cz). For example, even when I wanted to wear the niqab, I said to my mum that I needed to wear it cz I need to tone myself down. It’s all about letting your parents feel what you’re going through. Let them know the changes that you will be going through. Share with them how marriage can turn you into a better person and a better slave of Allah.

3. After that, then you can share with them the Islamic rulings and share about Rasulullah SAW’s story. You may also want to share about some stories from people that you know who marry at such young age and they are still doing great! You can share with them too how relying on Allah SWT is essential because He is the One that provides us with rizq.

4. Wake up in the middle of the night and make lots and lots of prayers. If you understand that you should rely solely on Allah SWT, then know that only Allah SWT can change your parents’ hearts. InsyaAllah what is meant for you will not miss you. And even after all those efforts you still don’t succeed then know that it is not meant for you and Allah SWT has better plans in store for you.

So, are you prepared for marriage?

WallahuAlam.

How I Met My Husband

Bismillaahirrahmaanirraheem…

Assalamualaikum Wr. Wb.

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On 20th December 2013 I got married to a beautiful man. My love story isn’t about love at first sight or about a girl waiting for her prince charming. It’s all about sacrificing and struggling to stop loving a human and learn to love again.

I first met my husband late September 2013 when he was an Ustaz conducting “Women Around the Messenger” session.  The first session he shared with us about himself. And I was kind of shocked that at the age of 23, he’s already an Ustaz and his knowledge is just… MasyaAllah. Another thing that caught my attention was the fact that he just graduated from the university that I am currently in. Of cz, even though I was impressed by his biography, I never knew he’s gonna be the one.

At around that period, I was very eager about Islam and had lots of questions in my mind. Hence when he gave us his number, on that night itself I shot him with all the questions that have been bothering me. Hah. Well, he did say to us to ask him anything if we’ve questions. Hehe.

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On the second session, he shared with us the first Mother of Believers, Khadijah Bint Khuwalid r.a.. Khadijah r.a was married twice before she met our beloved Prophet Muhammad SAW. She was 40 at that time and she told herself that she will never get married any more. However when she met Prophet SAW (he wasn’t a prophet yet at that point of time), she was attracted at his commendable attitude and great characteristics. She thought she wasn’t deserving of Prophet SAW therefore she asked her friend, Nafisah, to propose him on her behalf. Well, girls being girls, we were all awing at how courageous Khadijah r.a was. Haha.

That night, out of curiosity I asked him how did he managed to be an Ustaz, graduated with a degree, when he’s just 23. I asked this out of pure intention cz I wanted to know if I can graduate fast too. Hehe. He then shared with me and from that, I got to know he’s single. FYI, I was just at my first semester, first year of school.

Well, a lot of things went through my head. I see myself being in the position of Khadijah r.a. (of cz I’m not even near her good characteristics). It was that year too that I forced myself out of a relationship that I know Allah SWT will never favour. And due to my past, I feel like I’m not deserving of an Ustaz. I felt inferior.

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However, decisions are not for us to make. My dad always advise me this, “I won’t decide, Mama won’t decide and you don’t decide. Let Allah SWT decide for you.” Indeed, it’s true.

TIPS: Ever since I decided to dedicate my life to Allah SWT (few months before I met my husband), I tried to start the habit of waking up for Qiyammulail. All I needed from Allah SWT was to make my heart stronger. Whenever I feel my heart’s about to turn weak, I will pray “Ya Allah, fill my heart with Your love and Rasulullah’s love before you fill it with human’s love.”. I cringe out of fear whenever I made that prayer cz I’ll never know how long it will ever take for my heart to be filled fully with His love and Rasulullah’s love. Yet, Allah SWT showed His mercy.

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Although I knew I had so much disabilities in me, Allah SWT still gave me the courage to propose to my husband. I knew I got that courage from the consistent Qiyammulail that I did. After consulting my parents, I proposed to him. Proposing in this sense means to tell the guy your intention for marriage. Not by bringing your family to meet his family. No doubt I was nervous that he would give a straight rejection to my proposal, but instead he coaxed me by reiterating about Khadijah r.a. Yet, I didn’t put any hopes on him.

TIPS: Now that I’ve proposed to him, I included Solah Istikharah into my Qiyammualail routine. Like I mentioned earlier, I didn’t put any hopes on him cz I knew at this stage it’s easy for me to fall for him (he’s too nice la pleaseee…). I never fail to ask Allah SWT to strengthen my heart and Iman. I guarded my heart so much, so much so that if suddenly his family rejected the proposal it will not be a huge blow for me. At the same time, my husband also did Solah Istikharah.

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I gave a hard copy picture of me with sister to my husband. As I was wearing the niqab, he can’t possible stalk my fb and check out how I look like. Hehe.

Since marriage is a lifelong decision, it took his family quite some time to respond to my proposal. My husband just told me recently while we were at the airport waiting for the arrival of my sister-in-law in Jordan, what was the major sign that he knew his Istikharah was answered? He said his sister was sceptical of the proposal at first, hence he prayed to Allah SWT that if I’m really the one for him, change his sister’s heart to accept me. Soon after, miracle did happen. Subhanallah. How great Allah SWT is? So don’t be afraid to ask for specific signs. InsyaAllah if it’s really what Allah SWT has planned for you, it will not miss you.

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I proposed to my husband on 29th September and it took a month before our families met. On 3rd November they came and ask for my hand in marriage and Alhamdulillah we set the date for solemnisation on 20th December. Oh! I could still remember the adrenaline rush when I had to take off my niqab for my husband to see how I looked like in person. I almost fainted. I could feel blood gushing up my brain. Not exaggerating at all okay. Haha. My sister was laughing silently witnessing the whole process. Grrr. Anyways, it was fate that two of my husband’s brothers will be having their wedding ceremony concurrently on the 21st December and that’s how our solemnisation date was decided. Therefore, we called it the Mega Wedding because when will you ever see 3 newly wed brothers on the same dais? Hehe.

TIPS: Even when I was at the masjid waiting for the solemnisation ceremony to take place, I still guarded my heart so badly. Anything can happen even at the very last minute. Only when the Qadi confirmed that the Akad was successful, I finally start to love my husband.

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It was unbelievable. Just from that one liner of the Akad, we’re finally married. Just by that one liner, what used to be haram is now halal for you. Looking at your spouse, you’ll be rewarded. Holding your spouse’s hand, you’re rewarded. MasyaAllah. How great marriage is? Haha.

“And among His Signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find tranquillity in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy. Verily, in that are indeed signs for a people who reflect.” [Ar-Rum:21]

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Alhamdulillah for my husband. He’s the best I could ever ask for. He’s so gentle yet firm. He’s helpful in doing the house chores. He’s kind to everyone. MasyaAllah. I can just go on and on praising him. Everyday I learn something new about him and everyday is an opportunity for me to grow.

MAJOR TIPS: Find a husband who knows about the life of Muhammad SAW. Not only knows, but emulates our Prophet’s characteristics.

Especially in the Malay community, it’s a taboo for a girl to propose to a guy. And I’ve this problem too with my grandmother. She refused to talked to me when she got to know that I proposed to my husband from someone whom read my fb post. So I appeal to those who wish to tell my grandmother that I wrote a whole post about how I proposed to my husband, tell her why I did it. Tell her that I did it because our first Mother of Believers did it. I don’t blame my grandmother for having that traditional mindset because this is the generation (& our parent’s generation) that it would be best to align to the Prophetic traditions. For a girl to propose, it takes great courage and it’s a noble thing to do if she does it the right way. Imagine if Khadijah r.a. didn’t propose to Rasulullah SAW?

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Bonus: A mother’s prayer is one of those prayers that will be answered. Since I was 15, my mum always told me to go to the masjid. She said who knows I’ll get an Ustaz as a husband. Subhanallah. How powerful a mother’s prayer for her child. Only after 7 years Allah SWT  answered her prayers. This just makes my faith in Allah SWT stronger.

Marrying is Sunnah. It comes with great sacrifices and a whole lot more reward. It will also increase your rizq. Yeap. I wouldn’t dwell on this, but I vouch on this. Of cz, for you to receive these rewards, your purpose of marriage must be because you want to be closer to Allah SWT. My formula of marriage is that, the closer you and your spouse are towards Allah SWT, naturally the closer you will be to your spouse. 

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VERY LAST TIPS: Make your wedding simple. Invite orphans or the less fortunate for your wedding feast. Be patient in any circumstances. Smile to your spouse. Make your household a peaceful place to live in. Strive to be united again in Jannah. InsyaAllah, your marriage will be filled with Allah SWT’s barakah.

I hope while sharing on how I met my husband, I’ve successfully managed to give some tips too. It’s all about pleasing the One who creates us. It’s about showing how sincere you are to Him and His Messenger through your actions and not merely through words. Life is a test and we’ve to struggle to attain His pleasure.

“Verily in the remembrance of God, do heart find rest.” {Ar-Rad:28]

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PS: Sorry for the spam of photos. Heheee. xD

WallahuAlam.

Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage + Quick Fix!

Bismillaahirrahmaanirraheem…

Assalamualaikum Wr. Wb.

Being a newly wed, I was so afraid of my marriage being ruined due to some actions done by either my spouse or myself. Before I even got married, I’ve got some ladies who came to me sharing their problems with hope that I could give them the best advise or just a listening ear. No doubt, some I thought was just nitty gritty stuff which shouldn’t even be a problem but now that I’m married myself, I can somehow understand how these ladies are feeling. Alhamdulillah I’ve got such a loving, understanding and responsible husband, who knows how to handle a marriage well.

I thought of writing “Ways To Make Your Spouse Happy”, but I guess I’ll put that aside for later. Furthermore, there are a lot of posts on that topic that can be found everywhere on the net. So yeah! Please be conscious of how you treat your spouse because even a small but continuous act of mistreating your spouse can lead to as extreme as a divorce. And InsyaAllah I’ll tag a quick fix on these possible challenges.

1. Holding back secrets from your spouse.

I don’t get how people can keep secrets from their spouses without feeling any guilt. I’ve seen a husband deleting and blocking his wife from FB and Instagram just so he could add hot chicks on FB/Instagram without getting caught. He get caught in the end by his wife and he said “they are just my friends”. Another instance would be, you contacting your ex or the person you used to date without the knowledge of your spouse. Anything, any form of hiding information from your spouse, you are keeping secrets.

Fix it! Why would you need to be in contact with your past unnecessarily? Isn’t your present and future more worthy of your time and attention? And why would you want to go after someone who’s not within your reach? The person who you chose to get married to is already there, right in front of you, hungry for your love and attention. Go to that person! Control your nafs (inner desire) and control your gaze. Your spouse is there as your diary cz he/she is your closest companion. Trust me, if you’re not having a good night sleep, most prolly you’re keeping secrets from the person who’s sleeping right beside you.

2. Fail to balance work/friends/mum with your spouse.

In Islam, when the lady got married to the guy, her husband is responsible over her… at the same time being responsible over his mum too. However, there are instances whereby the guy just doesn’t know how to balance the two! It’s either more attention for his mum, or his spouse. Okay, but now I’m talking about the guy giving more attention to his mum because he believes “heaven lies underneath mum’s feet”. That’s a fabricated hadith btw, but there’s a similar hadith to that except that it’s within a context. And bcz the guy holds on firmly to that belief, he began to be one sided and treat his wife less. Same goes to a wife who dedicates too much time with work and friends till she forgot that she has a husband at home.

Fix it! I know it’s hard BUT LEARN TO BALANCE. This requires conscious effort from both parties. Guys, remember. When a lady gets married to you, she literally leaves everything behind for you. She may still have her parents to talk to, but after marriage, she wants to talk/rant to you!

“Among the Muslims the most perfect, as regards his faith, is the one whose character is excellent, and the best among you are those who treat their wives well.” [Al-Tirmidhi]

 

3. Ranting personal problems on social media or to mum.

I’ve seen this like a looooot of timeeesss… Ladies especially. I don’t know what satisfaction one can receive from saying bad things about your spouse on social media. You want your friends and the whole world to know what kind of an idiot you’re married to? And for guys, as mentioned on the point above, when they tend to give more attention to their mum, they tend to expose their marriage problems to her. What’s the consequences of that? Your wife will be looked upon as someone who is incompetent of taking care of her son and your wife will be the source of hatred in the new family she just entered.

Fix it! Social media is not and should never be the place for you to expose your personal problems. And never never never expose your marriage problems to your mum (that may cause hatred). COMMUNICATE! A big word with huge meaning that can save your marriage from any danger. You may not be the communicating type of person, but I’m sorry buddy. Once you stepped into marriage, YOU HAVE TO. You’re married to another human, not to yourself.

4. Calling your spouse names or make your spouse feels unworthy.

Oh my. Please. I heard of wives being called disobedient just because she tried to air her disagreement over certain matters. And again on social media I’ve seen wives calling her husband by inappropriate names just because he acts like one(LOL).

Fix it! I know women tend to nag when they wanna air their disagreement, but ladies, let’s do it in a manner that it’s straightforward and not hurtful. Guys, know that there won’t be any noise coming from us women if everything is going all well. Again, COMMUNICATE! Of cz, in a gracious manner and please, come to a conclusion. Some people may conclude by saying the other party is wrong, but it’s best if you could give a conclusion whereby it is for the betterment for the marriage. Give and take.

5. Throwing tantrum over small matters.

Oh my… Someone gonna get real hurt – emotionally or/and physically. Especially those who are hot headed and always feel he/she is right. For example just because you misplaced something, you blamed it on your spouse and when your spouse didn’t admit (cz it’s not his/her fault), you began to throw tantrum. And just because your spouse said something that you might not agree with, you began to shout at his/her face.

Fix it!  Changing your habit is not easy and will never be easy. It’s a huge challenge for yourself. Take huge breathes, slowly inhaling and exhaling. Do not speak a word. Think of the consequences before acting. Think again if your actions gonna hurt anyone. Then act. Remember that words you say, you can never take it back. It’s easy to forgive, but it’s not easy to forget.

“A man said to the Prophet, ‘Give me advice.’ The Prophet, peace be upon him, said, ‘Do not get angry.’ The man asked repeatedly and the Prophet answered each time, ‘Do not get angry.’” [Sahih Bukhari & Muslim]

6. Sleep with your electronic device, wake up with your electronic device.

I would want to give a big sigh on this. To those who are guilty, please marry your electronic devices instead. I’ve got ladies complaining to me that their husbands will be on their phones/PC and will ask them to sleep first. I just don’t get it how people have the heart to that to their spouses. For me, I really value that few minutes with my husband before sleep. We will just talk about each other’s day and really, I can’t imagine not receiving a goodnight kiss from my husband! It’s a small gesture but with big impact that can go a looooooong way. Oh yeah, and this. When waking up, the first thing you see is… (no prize for guessing it right) YEAP! Your phone. Whatever happened to saying “Good morning, dear” and a peck on your spouse’s forehead? Is your electronic device more worthy of your attention than your spouse?

Fix it! I know. I know. It’s hard to control that bad habit. But why do we allow electronic devices to take control of our lives? FYI, just in care if you’ve forgotten, those electronic devices are non-living things. You control them. Look at your wife’s face instead of some girls’ face on instagram. Touch and caress your wife instead of that mouse and keyboard. Control. Control. Control.

7. Talking bout other guys/ladies.

“David Beckham!” “Megan Fox!” “Brad Pitt!” “Katy Perry!” Ahhh… I don’t know any latest Hollywood stars. I can only afford to name all those. Lol. So yeah, you get my point. I’ve also seen ladies putting their phone’s lock screen of their favourite guy artist. Seriously? You’ve committed two grave mistakes here. One, you’ve certainly not lowered your gaze. Two, don’t forget there’s a real person beside you who’s feeling hurtful with what you did.

Fix it! What happiness can you get from idolizing these people? Superficial happiness that is. The only thing you’ll get from idolizing them is anger from Allah SWT, disappointment from your spouse, and a very unhappy marriage life. The only person you need to impress is the person who’s sleeping beside you. Touch him/her, yeap, he/she is real. Go on… Touch the person you idolize on your phone, now press your lock button, THE PERSON IS GONE. Welcome to reality.

8. Comparing your spouse with someone else’s spouse.

Another huge sigh. I do not have to explain on this, it’s self-explanatory.

Fix it! It might seem inevitable not to compare what your spouse has done for you with what other people did for their spouse. Fact is, every marriage is different and has their own challenges and this is yours. Instead of comparing your spouse with other people, why not give him/her good advice and feedback so that he/she can improve in the marriage? Trust me, the more you compare, the more worse your spouse will be. Your spouse is one of a kind, accept his/her strengths and also weaknesses; accept each other’s differences.

“A believer must not hate a believing woman; if he dislikes one of her characteristics he will be pleased with another.” (Sahih Muslim)

There are many other factors that can ruin a marriage. I can only think of these for now. Do comment if you have any inputs!

Remember, the man should take charge in the family. He directs the way. A woman can do 101 things for the marriage, but in the end it’s the man who should take lead. Cz if you’re not reacting to what your wife has done for you, then really, it’s such a pity. Woman on the other hand, should be understanding and not be too emotional when your husband acknowledge the wrong you’re doing. Never bad mouth your husband to anyone.

All in all, your spouse is a reflection of you. I always believe that if he/she is doing great in the marriage, it’s bcz his/her spouse is doing great too for the marriage and vice versa.

Fiqh of Love

Finally, before I end, this is just snippets of the last sermon of our Beloved Prophet Muhammad SAW:

 “O People, it is true that you have certain rights with regards to your women,but they also have rights over you. Remember that you have taken them as your wives only under Allah’s trust and with His permission. If they abide by your right then to them belongs the right to be fed and clothed in kindness. Do treat your women well and be kind to them for they are your partners and committed helpers. And it is your right that they do not make friends with any one of whom you do not approve, as well as never to be unchaste.”

WallahuAlam. 🙂